Porn Tacos, Not Just A Euphemism


All this could be yours…


These tacos have become a staple in my bag-o-tricks. Savory, tangy, tart and sweet, they’ve got everything! I’m sure we’ve all seen a bit of porn and I know we’ve all eaten a taco so why not combine the two?

Okay, before you start thinking the ingredients have to come out of your own or others’ pants, I need to assure you there’s no actual porn in the recipe, sorry. You can cook it bow-chicka-wow-wow nekkid if you really need to go there though.


Signage is important!

Why the Porn??
It comes from a communication breakdown and bad hearing when Sweetpea (Mrs. Foxfur) yelled from the back room, “Can I have another pork taco?” but I heard Porn Taco. A legend was born.
These have been to Burning man, SOAK* (Oregon’s regional burner event), several other festy-type shindigs, and countless friend’s homes. There’s only one thing left at the end of the night, mouths wanting more. I had a near riot after running out at SOAK* last year. You might have to beat people off to make sure there’s enough porn for everyone.


Porn Tacos Gone Wild! This was a Porn Taco breakfast which makes me wonder about the total absence of alcoholic beverages. Booze and porn, yay!

Porn Tacos

2 teaspoons cumin seeds -OR- 2 teaspoons ground
1/2 teaspoon black peppercorns -OR- 1/4 teaspoon ground
1 head (8 to 12 cloves) garlic, minced
2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon dried Mexican or regular oregano
2/3 cup orange juice*
1/4 cup lemon juice*
1/4 cup lime juice*
*Or use 1-1/4 cups bitter orange juice instead of the mixed  juices, it’s the real deal…
1/3 cup dry sherry
2 tablespoons oil (coconut, olive, canola)
2-3 cups water
2 to 4 pounds boneless pork country style ribs
The ribs aren’t in a rack, they’re individual, ask the butcher.

Put a small saucepan or skillet on medium heat. Add the cumin seeds and peppercorns to it then stir and shake constantly until good and smelly, about a minute or two. If it smells like a sweaty plumber, you’re there! Let cool.

Crush spices with a mortar and pestle, suribachi or your own homemade contraption.


You can use pre-ground spices or toast your own and grind ’em! I tore the handle off a pepper grinder and hooked it up to my cordless drill. Fucking brilliant, right?

You can use a food processor but then you don’t get the exercise. If you’re using pre-ground spices, don’t bother. Toss it all into your stew pot and stir in the garlic, juice, sherry and oil and bring to a simmer. Now set the ribs in the pot. It’s OK if they’re touching and a little crammed, they’ll be comfy. Pour in 2-3 cups of water, just enough to mostly cover the ribs. I always have an inch or so above the surface, just get in there and turn the exposed ones every 10 minutes or so. I’ll toss a can of PBR or Shock Top beer in sometimes. Open it first…

Bring back to a boil then reduce to a simmer and cover. Let the ribs go for an hour, turning every so often. Don’t worry if they fall apart, that’s what we’re doing later anyhow.
After simmering for an hour, remove the cover and cook down the liquid to a quarter or less of the original level. You’ll need to turn the heat up until it’s bubbling a bit but not close to boiling. Check and turn every 15 minutes. After 30-40 minutes start keeping a close eye on the level, it can go down pretty fast. I usually take it to the point where it’s almost a syrup, probably 1/4 cup, and the bottoms of the ribs are browned (it makes a heartier flavor) but you can stop at anytime. And don’t take the times listed for reducing the sauce as gospel. Be a helicopter chef the first time you make porn and hover around it until you see it through to the end.

Take the ribs out and shred them with forks then mix in some or all of the reduced cooking liquid. Taste the liquid first… DAMN! pretty tart & tangy, yeah?
At this point you have to make a choice. You can serve the shredded pork over rice or you can be a boss and go for the Porn Taco option.
The authentic Porn Taco is made with flour tortillas browned with a blowtorch, then slathered with sour cream with the pork with cilantro on top. Go nuts and add some crumbled cotija cheese, chopped green olives, or whatever else you fancy.
I press ’em kinda flat and cut them in half so everybody in the crowd can get some porn in their mouths.


For best results lightly toast the tortillas with a blowtorch. They then become Torchtilla!.


And build one of these cute li’l bastards; the variable-speed Torchtilla Turntable. Sweep the flame from center to edge a few times as it rotates. Work smart or work hard, your choice.

These are the perfect food for a potluck, tailgate party, or Tuesday night at home. People won’t soon forget them. In fact, if you bring them to a party then something else to the next party they’ll send you home to make the porn. I’m not kidding, I’ve had friends get truly upset that I hadn’t set one aside for them. And there’s never a worry about leftovers, when Porn Tacos are served everybody comes quickly…

So there you go, the only way to be a real pornstar is to make homemade Porn Tacos. I served one to a real-life porn star at Burning Man and she loved every inch of it.

***Hey vegans, you can make Porn Tofu!! Just sub cubed extra firm tofu for the meat and proceed exactly as above. Carnivores have eaten ’em and didn’t realize there was no meat in ’em, yay! Smoked tofu is even firmer than the smoke-deficient version, My dear friend Pe Low came up with that one. Her Porn Tofu beats my version paws down, no contest. Due to the firmness she was able to dice it into 1/4-inch cubes which means more surface area which allows easy penetration.


SIGNAGE people, I can’t emphasize just how important signage is.


Did I mention signage? It’s scaled to 8.5×11″ so you can print one up for your next Porn Taco soiree. Then I won’t nag you about signage…


You might be looking down here for the asterisk to see why it was next to SOAK. That’s just how it’s spelled, SOAK*. It’s a play on the “Burn” in Burning Man, because it’s a Burning Man regional event and it rains 482 days a the year up here in Oregon. Learn more about it HERE.

What’s a Burning Man regional? It’s much less expensive and much closer to you, like in your state, and has a very similar vibe to The Burn; art, fire, theme camps, bars, etc. For those not able to go to the big event, regionals allow them to experience the magic. A full list of regional events held yearly around the world can be found HERE. From Shanghai, China to the United Arab Emirates to Russia and beyond, there’s one near you.


One more for gender equality!

Hot Damn, Home Cured Ham!


This is all you need (molasses optional). The sugar is turbinado or some such expensive fancypants stuff. Plain white sugar is all I use now. The pink stuff is the curing salt.


Can you stir sugar into a cup of coffee?
Can you leave something be in the fridge?
Can you close your eyes and touch your nose?
If you answered yes to either of the top two questions then you can cure your own ham.
If you answered in the negative on the third then you’re drunk, but, the good news is that you can cure a ham with only one eye open.

Ham’s always been a favorite of mine. I don’t remember my first bite of ham but I’ll bet I got the finger of the fool feeding it to me. This is the recipe that will change your life. Ham seems a mystery to most but if you have a two pound hunk of pork then you’re well on your way to your first ham. How? Stir a few powders and spices into a couple quarts of water, set the meat to swimmin’ for a few days then it’s ‘this little piggy comes home’ time.

Will you save money by curing your own ham? I can honestly say no. And yes.
No, you’ll not save money if you’re comparing the price against consumer-grade chopped and formed ‘ham and water product’ hams. Yeah, I actually saw that label on a “ham” at the market. 12% water content, said water costs you about three bucks a pound. Do the math, Bucky, that’s $24 a pound. That’s why we use gasoline in our cars and not ham juice. But when you consider quality and provenance then YES, you are saving money. You will not find ham of this quality at any price. This is premium ham. You choose the cut, you choose the amount of spices and seasonings and you choose the kind of smoke (or choose not). And you know exactly where it came from and what’s in it. Commercial hams bob cheek by jowl in giant impersonal stainless steel troughs in an industrial fluid of unknown composition. It’s like a swimming pool for pigs, a real crowded one. The little hams we’ll be making here will be no more than two or three at a time, more like a hot tub for hams.

It’s time to cut the gabbing and make us some ham! The ingredients are simple and I ain’t gonna be telling you to use all kinds of pretentious bullshit like hand-rubbed sea salt and high altitude sugar from the hinterlands of Peru. Use whatever salt you like or have on hand. Iodized is just fine. I’ve used it without incident. I like to use kosher salt myself but you can go with any kind of salt you like. Ditto for the rest of everything.
Do it like this:

Your Own Damn Ham

2 quarts of water
3/4 cup of salt
1 cup of sugar
1 Tbsp of curing salts (cure #1, not #2)
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup of molasses
1 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp ground cumin
7 to 10 whole cloves

WTF are curing salts? They’re a blend of sodium nitrite and sea salt and it’s bright pink. You can find it on eBay, we buy it two pounds at a time and it’s cheap. Ten bucks worth will keep you in ham for a year or two. Be sure not to get #2 curing salts. That’s sodium nitrate and is made for dry curing meats like salami.
And don’t worry about nitrites and health. You get more nitrites from a serving of celery than a serving of bacon. That’s why they use celery juice in so called “uncured” bacon. Guess what, folks, you’ve been buying cured bacon and paying extra for a fiction.
Got a 2-gallon bucket? Find one at a hardware store or hit up a restaurant supply place in your town for an NSF certified 2-gallon bucket.

Stir everything together in the bucket.
Place your pork shoulder, sirloin roast, tenderloin, or other cut(s) of pork into the brine.
Put it in the fridge.
Rearrange the hams once a day so the parts up against the bucket face the other way. We’re trying to get all the surfaces exposed over the next few days.
After five days, pull ’em out! If you want a strong ham flavor then go to the next step. If you want it a bit less salty then fill the bucket with fresh water and let ’em sit in the fridge for an extra day.

Now let’s cook it!
We’ve got a choice, smoked or not smoked.
If you don’t have a smoker it’s no problem, my first few weren’t smoked and I even rubbed liquid smoke on one and it was just fine.
For those of you without a smoker: rinse the ham then dry it with a towel. Wrap the ham in two layers of aluminum foil. You want it as sealed as possible but not touching the top else the juices will squirt out of the foil. It’ll keep it moister PLUS you get all the ham juice that cooks out. More on that later.
Put it in a 225F oven and go do something else for 2-1/2 to 3 hours or whatever it takes to bring it to 165F inside the thickest part.
I’ve let mine go for 12 hours at 200f and I’d swear it was a country ham, firm and dryer than your run of the mill ham.
Next, eat it. You’re done.

I only have a cold smoker, a Big Chief front-loader donated to FoxfurAmused by a reader, but it gives ham a smoked flavor indistinguishable from a hot-smoked ham. I put it in and smoke it with 2 pans of alder or applewood. Use whatever tickles your tastebuds. After cold smoking pop the ham into the oven following the directions above.
You can make a cold smoker using nothing more than a soup can full of smoker wood chips with a soldering iron shoved into it and covered with a cardboard box.
If you have a hot smoker then you already know how to cook a ham. Go to for tips if you don’t.

Now get on eBay or Amazon and order up some cure #1 curing salts and a bucket and make some ham! It’s even easier than it seems.

A few last things.
Seasonings, use ’em! I typically use cumin, ground dried ginger and cloves. The last one I made had rosemary, coriander, and maple syrup, fu*king fantastic! There’s two curing in the fridge as we speak swimming around with star anise, cloves, and dried allspice berries, crushed. I suppose you could use fresh ginger but I prefer the stronger flavor of the dried stuff and I think you will too. You can use pickling spice like a boiled ham or use none at all and taste a naked ham.

Ham Juice! The juices that cook out will be sealed up in the foil. DO NOT waste the juice! Make up a batch of split pea soup (recipe on this blog, just use the search) and substitute part of the water with it. Then make up a pan of my simple cornbread (it’s on my blog as well) and shove it all into your mouth at once.

This is simple, folks! If there’s something you lack besides curing salts, make it up as you go along. So long as it’s cured with the salts and cooked, you’re just fine.
Get creative with it and please do post your results in the comments, you might just give me a new idea.


This is a 6lb shoulder I think. I just look for the sexiest piece of pork, one that has a bit of fat but you can go as lean as you like. Fat makes a moister ham with a mouthfeel like no other. Go ahead and do a tiny ham your first time, a 2-3lb roast works great!


Porky getting ready to swim…




It’s like an aquarium for meat!

6lb roast ham done

Yeah, you can do this!

bigass ham slices

Ham fat is the best fat known. These marbled pieces went on some homemade french bread with alder smoked aged Tillamook extra sharp cheddar and some Beaver honey mustard.


Mouth-ready meat.

Foxfur’s Savory Sesame Chicken

Eat me.

Eat me.

OK, I’ll admit it, I like Americanized Chinese food. I love authentic Chinese food but with just a touch of sweetness. Not a jawbone ringing sweetness, just a touch. It doesn’t necessarily have to balance the dish, unless it’s supposed to. A simple wave from the wings will do me just fine most of the time. This is not one of those times.
Another admission; I *LOVE* Safeway’s sesame chicken. There, I said it. I love, above all others, the most white bread American supermarket on the continent’s (no matter what they decorate it like) deli sesame chicken. This is why I developed this recipe. I’m far too proud to ask an establishment for their secrets. Although many will provide them upon request, I’d much rather develop a recipe by making it four or five times and perfecting it with every revision. This applies to nearly all recipes you will see right here in Foxfurville. If you loosely follow my recipes I can guarantee arrival at the fifth plateau of NOM!

Safeway’s sesame chicken is characterized by its sticky and sweet coating of yummy sauce and whole sesame seeds. It is pretty damned close to “Oh hell, I’d better book a visit to the dentist” sweet. I can’t eat it on a regular basis, nor would I want to, but as an occasional treat it’s a kick in the pants free-for-all that fits rather nicely in your mouth.

What I ended up developing is a more savory version; a perfect balance of sweet and salty with a savory edge that will bring tears of joy cascading forth from your salivary glands. Just see if it don’t!
BTW, you won’t find cilantro in Safeway’s version. This was suggested by Sweetpea and is key in sending the dish into low earth orbit.

I recently scored a deep fryer. Holy cow, folks! It’s now my favorite implement of culinary devastation in the continuing war against empty tummies. I limit its use to once or twice a week, three when developing new weapons of mass deliciousness. If you don’t have one you can use a wok, dutch oven, or big rig hubcap (automobile hubcaps are too shallow).

Foxfur’s Savory Sesame Chicken

1 Pound boneless / skinless chicken breasts (2 large or 3 small)
1/4 C pineapple (tidbits are the only way to go)
Chopped cilantro
Oil for frying

For the marinade / batter:
9 TBSP Cornstarch (1/2 C + 1 TBSP)
6 TBSP Water
2 TBSP Sesame seeds
1 TBSP Ground sesame seeds (methods below)
1/2 tsp Salt
1 tsp Soy sauce
1 tsp Sesame oil

For the sauce:
1 C Sugar
1 C Water
3 TBSP White vinegar
2 TBSP Worcestershire sauce

There are many ways to grind sesame seeds. I have a suribachi (Japanese mortar & pestle) but rarely use it for the seeds unless I’m incorporating other stuff in with them. I also have a Japanese handheld grinder / dispenser but it doesn’t give the mashy, pasty texture that I like for this recipe. For this I use one of two field expedient Macguyver methods. The first is with two spoons. Put a small amount of seeds in a spoon and mash with another spoon. Simple.
The one that I prefer is to use a small stainless steel measuring cup (mine is a 1/8 C) and the end of the handle of an old Eklund bottle opener. It’s a good old fashioned maple handled dinosaur from the 1950’s that I inherited from my grandmother. Drop the seeds in the cup and beat and grind the hell out of them.

Blah blah blah, let’s get cookin’…
Mix up the marinade / batter and set bu your cutting board.
Dismember the chicken into 1/2 to 3/4 inch chunks and toss them in the marinade. Let the chicken rest in the goo until they coo with relaxed little clucks, about 30 minutes.
While they’re relaxing, mix up the sauce. Set aside.

Heat your oil to 350 – 360 deg F.
Use a thermometer or chopstick (will bubble at the tip when at proper temp) to know when you get there.

Using a fork, stab the chicken one piece at a time and drop in from as low an altitude as possible. No Bellyflops! You’ll want to do this in batches of  7 – 9 pieces. Don’t crowd the pond, chickens aren’t social swimmers.
Fry until a straw or golden brown color. Cut open a piece from the first batch. Pink means it’s medium rare, not good. Throw her back in the pool for another minute.

I drain mine using two paper towels atop a brown paper grocery sack. transfer to a paper plate lined with paper towels between batches. Drop chicken in oil, remove to towel / bag, drop in more chicken, move drained chunks to plate.

Once all the chickens have had their turn, heat up a frying pan or skillet on medium-high heat. Dump the chicken into the pan and heat, stirring and shaking every 10 – 15 seconds until they’re good and hot. Turn down to medium. Now pour in about 2 TBSP of the sauce. Stir around to coat the pieces and let it cook down to a sticky goop. Don’t let it burn. Now shake in 2 more TBSP of sesame seeds. When it gets goopy go ahead and dump another 2 TBSP in and do the same. You can actually do this with all of the sauce and end up with chunks so sticky that they’ll stick upside down to the range hood. I’ve done this and Foxfur was amused. I’ll pour and goop 2 – 3 times otherwise it gets too sticky.

Dump in the drained pineapple, cook for about 30 seconds, then flood with the remaining sauce. Cook down a bit until it reaches your ideal thickness or add a bit of cornstarch water to thicken it up.

Serve over rice, sprinkle with cilantro and enjoy!

Have some toothpicks on hand…
This stuff is finger lickin’, molar stickin’ good.

Crab Stuffed Pork Loin Chops With Red Wine & Shallot Reduction Sauce

This is a long one but features a happy ending. No, really!

I was sitting around one night and wondering what kind of fancy-schmancy recipe I could crank out using a quick scavenger hunt through my depleted kitchen. I had some boneless pork chops, big ol’ thick and meaty ones, and wondered what to do with them. I’d always wanted to stuff a pork chop but never seemed to get around to it.
I’m also a lover of the lowbrow and much maligned canned crab so I decided to go with it.
Hmm, what else could I stuff in there? I had a quarter pound of monster crimini mushrooms, some onions, a lonely egg, and a nearly empty bag of panko bread crumbs languishing atop the fridge.
I also had a half bottle of Cabernet (from my burner friend Felony Arson) hiding in the back of the fridge which I thought would make a yummy red wine reduction to slop on top of the chop.

If you are going to make the reduction sauce, be sure to prep the ingredients when prepping the chop ingredients or at least before you put the meat in the oven.

Butterflying (I’ll be damned if that word don’t look totally wrong and it just plain stumped the spellchecker) a pork chop is a shiny way of saying “I almost cut it in half but got distracted at the last moment”.
Drop your chop on the cutting board, plump it up by slapping the sides inwards but not so much as to overdo it. Yeah, crystal clear, huh? Then, using a really sharp knife, start sawing at it in a horizontal direction bisecting it at the equatorial center. Heh. Keep going until you get to the last 1/4 inch and quit. I like a chop that has a strip of fat on one edge. Use this as the back or spine of your lepidopterous meaty treat. Now open up the chop like a book. Kinda looks like a butterfly but porkier, huh? Feel free to add color spots with food dye or whatever. I don’t but probably should.
Flip it over so the spine faces upward and pat it down pretty flat. Cover it with a piece of plastic wrap that’s about twice as big as the meat. Get out a meat mallet (or a rubber body & fender mallet or even a chunk of 2×4 lumber) and beat the shit out the chop until each meat flap is about half its starting thickness. Beat it from the center of each flap and work outwards.

Crab Stuffed Pork Chops

2 pork loin pork chops, 1 inch thick and butterflied
1 6 oz can crab meat – well drained
1 egg, beaten
1/3 cup bread crumbs (panko RAWKS!)
1 TBSP fish sauce or soy sauce
1/2 tsp sesame oil
1/2 tsp salt
1 half of a medium onion – finely minced
5 minced mushrooms

Butterfly the chops, cover with plastic wrap and pound out to half the original thickness.

Combine crab, bread crumbs, egg, fish or soy sauce, sesame oil and salt in a medium bowl, set aside.

Saute onion and mushrooms with just enough butter to lightly coat. Add a small amount to begin and add more sparingly. Saute until the mushrooms are somewhat soft.

Add the mushroom mixture to the crab mixture and stir it up. You might need to drain a bit of juice from it. I dumped mine into a fine colander lined with two paper towels and pressed it over the sink.

Open the chops and mound up some stuffing on one side.

Fold them up all tacolike and put on a greased greased baking sheet.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. When ready, cook for 45 – 50 minutes.

Here’s the sauce for the top. It’s optional and sort of, but not totally, a pain in the ass to make but is soooo worth it.

Red wine & Shallot Reduction Sauce

1/4 LB Shallots sliced shallots (4 – 5 average size shallots) 3 TBSP Olive or peanut oil
1 Garlic clove, minced
1/2 – 1 tsp Rosemary
1/4 – 1/2 tsp Black pepper
5 tbsp Balsamic vinegar
2 Cups Red wine
2 Cups Beef stock or chicken stock – bullion granules work great 1 TBSP Salted butter

Wine. NEVER use cooking wine. Cooking wine is made of evil. It is not your friend. Do not turn your back on it. Ever.
The secret to cooking with wine is to only use what you would drink. If you wouldn’t put it in your winehole, why would you put it in your foodhole?

Saute the shallots in a medium saucepan in the oil on high for about 3 minutes until very lightly browned, keep it moving so you don’t burn them. If you don’t keep them constantly moving then they’ll end up deep-fried. You want them to remain quite wiggly and squiggly. Add the black pepper, garlic, and rosemary. Keep cooking another 2 – 3 minutes and stir continuously.

Add the vinegar and keep stirring until you’re left with a syrup.
CAUTION! Do not hold your face over the saucepan or sniff it while reducing the vinegar. You have a mighty potent homemade crowd control agent stewing in there!

Add the wine and reduce by two thirds. This might take 10 minutes or maybe a bit more.

Add the stock and return to a boil. Reduce this by two-thirds to arrive at around 1 1/4 – 1 1/2 cups. It will be a thick, chunky sauce and not too runny.
The shallots will make up the bulk of the sauce and have little free liquid left. Add a pinch of salt if needed but the stock should be adequate. Stir in the butter and you’re done!

You can serve this immediately or set aside and reheat when ready to serve. It is also fantastic when cooled to room temperature.

As the picture shows, I sliced up a large crimini mushroom and sauteed it in butter. I laid a few of these slices over the top before spooning sauce over the chop. Don’t be lazy, just do it. I guarantee this will get you laid… See? There’s your happy ending.

Cooking With Foxfur: Hot & Sour Soup

Can you run a knife? Drive a stove? Hang onto a spoon? Yeah? Well then, kitten, you can make a mighty mean pot of hot and sour. In terms of ease it’s the split pea soup of China. Easy prep, easy cook, and you’d have to really apply yourself to screw it up.

Don’t let the hot part scare you off. It’s not hot in the conventional sense. The “hot” comes from white pepper which is identical to black pepper but for one detail. Peppercorns for black pepper are harvested from the tree when nearly ripe and allowed to dry in the sun so that the outer skin, the pericarp, oxidizes and turns black. That’s what gives the black pepper its black. White pepper is made from peppercorns that have been dried and then lovingly rubbed by silky handed virgins to remove the pericarp. White pepper still tastes very similar to the black but seems, to my palate, a bit more refined. Think of it as perfectly pampered pepper. It’s used extensively in Asian cuisine because it won’t feng your shui.

This is a dish that will convince guests and loved ones that you are a closet chef. Of its many pluses, the plussiest plus is that you can make it using ingredients that have a decent shelf life and won’t require a special trip to market right before making it. A block of tofu, a can of bamboo shoots, a can of shiitake mushrooms are the most exotic ingredients required.

Hot & Sour Soup

2 Quarts (8 Cups) chicken broth (I use powdered granules)
1/2 Cup soy sauce
1/2 Cup white vinegar
1/2 Teaspoon white pepper
1 Pound firm tofu cut into 1/2 inch cubes
1 Can bamboo shoots
1 Can shiitake mushrooms (or 4-6 dried, soaked in warm water for 30 minutes) 3 Well beaten eggs
2 Tablespoons cornstarch mixed with 2 Tablespoons cold water

Put the broth on the stove and set it to medium for a slow simmer. Add the soy sauce, vinegar, and black pepper.
Dump the tofu in and and stir it up real good.
Cut the mushrooms into thin strips, about 1/8 inch wide, the size of matchsticks and toss ’em in the pot. Cutting the canned variety is like slicing jellyfish, careful!
Slice the bamboo shoots into 3 or 4 matchsticks from each flat slice as they come from the can. Heave ho, into the pot they go.
Increase the heat up to medium-high. Pour the cornstarch water in and stir to distribute. This will thicken the soup almost imperceptibly but your tongue will notice the slight velvety texture. Just see if it doesn’t…
Now crank up the burner to sorta not quite high to get a good almost boil going on.
Stir the pot so you get a good cyclone going and pour the eggs in a stream over 5 to 6 seconds. Stir a bit more to incorporate the eggy goodness.

Serve some up in a bowl and drizzle in a li’l bit of sesame or chili oil if that kinda thing pleases you.

Wanna get all fancylike with it? Throw in some crispy fried pork matchsticks, slivers of bamboo shoots, grated carrot or daikon, gold leaf, etc.

Survey says? You’re a genius!
After eating, I leave the pot on the stove top overnight. The flavors magically mingle and and magnify when you’re not looking. It’s a great breakfast on a cool winter morning.

The perfect accompaniment to hot & sour soup is crab Rangoons, A.K.A. crab puffs. I will publish that recipe soon…

Thanksgiving Day Facts

I am constantly amazed by the ignorance and gullibility I see displayed by the general public. It dissapoints me to know that so many otherwise mediocre citizens of the world get most of their facts from Facebook and The Onion and never stop to critically examine them for truthiness. Therefore, as a public service, I offer to you these little known facts about the American institution of Thanksgiving Day.

The roots of Thanksgiving Day
The most common misconception about our day of thankiness is that it is based on the providence of Indians. Nothing could be further from the truth. Were this to be true then we most certainly would be sitting down to a meal of tandoori chicken, curried lentils, yogurt, and naan bread. It is a generally accepted fact that people from India did not come to America until long after the original settlers.

The origins of turkeys: Past and present
While the first turkeys *may* have been provided to settlers by Native Americans, the turkeys that we eat in modern times are products of Santa’s rage. So great is his boundless fury and his monomaniacal campaign to rule the holiday season that it whips the old man into a killing frenzy each fall. Early in September, typically in a drunken stupor, though there are rumors that the Jolly One now has an addiction to bath salts (google it), Santa mounts his sleigh of doom and zips around our great nation mercilessly slaying the fat and dumb flightless birds that have come to symbolize our day of greatfulishiness.

Let me be perfectly clear about this: Turkey Spam is an abomination. As much as I love Spam (see my post, I Am Spam) I will not suffer Turkey Spam. It should be illegal.

The glaring absence of Thanksgiving Day in foreign countries
The reason is simple: Foreigners are unamerican. A thankless and ungrateful lot they are which is astonishing in light of their gorging themselves on our foreign aid dollars and really neato weapons. As further proof of their lack of patriotism I submit the fact that they do not participate in our Fourth of July (otherwise known as Independence Day) festivities. This shortcoming is made all the more baffling by their dependence upon government subsidized pensions and overabundance of paid holidays.

Why Native Americans do not celebrate Thanksgiving Day
Would you be thankful for government cheese, lard, and flour? I didn’t think so.

The turkey and touching of ones junk
Turkey contains large amounts of the organic tranquilizer tryptophan which is largely responsible for post-dinner stupor and slumber. Nowadays most turkeys are fed hormones. These hormones are fed to them in order to promote not growth but randiness. These hormones, once eaten by human males, combined with copious amounts of likker are likely the reason that men’s hands often wander south of the belt line while sleeping off dinner. As yet this is only a causal connection. I have submitted several grant proposals to our nation’s scientific institutes to fund applied research in this area.

The eating of the mascot
Thanksgiving is the only holiday in which the eating of the mascot is practiced. Do we eat black cats for Halloween? Do we eat rabbits for Easter? Do we eat parents on Mothers / Fathers Day? No. No we do not. Although a roast leg of Santa would more than likely be a delicious, albeit high fat, treat, we do not eat grumpy old men for Christmas.

Eating of our national symbol?
The turkey, as proposed by Benjamin Franklin, was almost selected as the representative symbol of our great nation. Can you imagine Santa trying to slay bald eagles to grace our tables with? With their amazing powers of flight, not to mention possession of stabby little claws and sharp beaks, Santa would be torn to pieces trying to wrangle them.
Besides, a typical bald eagle doesn’t feed many. 25 pound eagles would present quite a threat to civil aviation were our skies to be filled with them.

Please consider printing this post as a factsheet to share with family, friends, and neighbors.

I wish you and yours the happiest of Thanksgivings and look forward to providing you with the truth about Christmas in the coming weeks.

You’re welcome,

Pot Sticker Meatloaf

A while back I had a hankering for some down home meatloaf. Meatloaf: The dish people say they hate but love to eat. Stop the hate! Eat the loaf! I didn’t have any ground moo but had a pound of ground oink in the freezer. The pork got me to thinking about making pot stickers. While good they’re also a pain in the ass to make. Takes forever and they disappear too quickly. I love the taste and texture of the filling in those li’l funbags and figured I’d make an eastern style loaf of goodness to put in my tummy. I searched out a recipe for the filling and found that they all called for napa cabbage, which I didn’t have, poo! Not a problem, I left it out. Over the course of a few loaves I tweaked the ingredients until I figured out the perfect combination.

Pot Sticker Meatloaf

For the loaf:
1 pound Ground Pork
2 Eggs
1 cup Breadcrumbs (I used Japanese panko breadcrumbs)
4 to 6 Green Onions sliced thin
8 cloves Garlic, minced OR 4 tbsp minced garlic from a jar
2 tsp Ginger, minced
1/2 can Water chestnuts, chopped finely
1 tsp Toasted Sesame Oil
4 tsp Rice Vinegar
2 tbsp Soy Sauce
½ tsp Salt
1 tbsp Toasted sesame seeds (optional)

For the sauce:
2 cups Chicken broth
3 tbsp Soy sauce
2 tbsp Sugar
1 tsp Ginger, minced
4 tsp Lime juice
2 tbsp Corn starch mixed in 2 tbsp of water
A dash or two of Tabasco sauce (optional)

Pre-heat your oven to 350 degrees F.

Thinly slice the green onions and mince the ginger and garlic.

In a big bowl mix up the eggs, soy sauce, sesame seeds and oil, vinegar, garlic, ginger, water chestnuts, and salt.

Add the ground pork to the bowl and break it up a bit.

Dump the breadcrumbs atop the whole mess and knead it all together until mixed pretty thoroughly. You don’t want to end up with a homogenous pink slime. Just mash it pretty good. Otherwise you’ll end up with a really dense loaf and give ammo to the meatloaf haters.

Throw it in a bread loaf pan. Mine is non-stick so I don’t bother greasing it. With the amount of grease that cooks out from the pork, sticking shouldn’t be a problem in anything. If you dont have a bread pan just use whatever you have on hand or shape it into a loaf and cook it on a foil covered baking sheet.

It’s shovin’ in the oven time! Immolate for 45 to 50 minutes or until it’s nice and brown on top.

While it’s baking grab a glass of wine and make the sauce.

Put the broth, ginger, sugar, lime juice, and soy sauce in a saucepan.

Heat it up until it bubbles a bit and the sugar dissolves. Turn the heat down and stir in the cornstarch water. Continue heating and stirring for a minute or so. You’ll end up with a slightly thickened awesomesauce.

Put some rice on to cook. I have a little rice cooker that I scored for 10 bucks at a discount store. I haven’t cooked rice on the stove for 15 years… This loaf goes really well with jasmine rice but use what you have. Plain white enriched rice is tasty too!

When the loaf is baked to perfection yank it from the oven and set it aside to firm up for 10 to 15 minutes. Cut into slabs as thick as you like ’em, set atop some rice, and drench it all with the awesomesauce.

Split Pea Soup By Email

One reason my posts have been infrequent as of late is that of connectivity. My truck was out of action for five weeks due to a thrown timing belt, wrecked cylinder head (bent valves), and a dud of an oil pump. Since we live in the middle of, no, at the far end of nowhere, our only internet connection is by dialup. Yep, an old timey telephone modem that connects at the lightning combat speed of 24kbps and that’s when there’s a decent tailwind blowing the bits along. WordPress pages take forever to load and I’m unable to access the dashboard to submit new posts. I usually drive to town and visit the library to use the free high speed WiFi. I finally figured out that I can submit new posts by email, so, here we go, split pea soup by email!

As seems to happen every year, the crappy, rainy weather has descended upon us in the Pacific Northwet. Nothing says “Fuck you, rain!” quite like split pea soup and cornbread.
I grew up eating Mom’s pea soup, something I thought (and indeed was) magical. It doesn’t take chanting or any major incantations to make, is inexpensive and nourishing, and the preparation complexity is on par with finger painting.

It can be as simple or as gastronomically complicated as you wish and is highly tolerant of many questionable ingredients, like me! I don’t get all fancy with organic, free-range split peas or top-shelf spices. I get the main ingredients out of the bulk bins at the warehouse discount supermarket. I bagged up a couple tablespoons of thyme and sage and at checkout the gal said they wouldn’t register on the scale so she gave them to me for a penny a bag!

Most recipes I’ve seen use plain water as the soup base. A base ain’t a base unless it has flavor. What? I can haz flavor? Yes. Yes you can.
I love to use chicken broth, er, loved to use it. Then I found Knorr ham boullion cubes at the Vietnamese / Thai market hole in the wall market I visit from time to time. These are cubes the size of a pat of butter and make 2 cups each, less unwrapping, more cooking. The hammy goodness that this broth brings to the soup blast it into another dimension and will, if you’re as normal as I am, render all other pea soups unpalatable.

Another ingredient you won’t find in Paula Deen’s cookbooks is mushrooms. Again, no exotic spotted grotto cave mushrooms picked by silky-handed virgins and transported to the store with Bach sonatas serenading them. Plain old white mushrooms folks. I’ve made it with criminis with no discernible difference. I recommend sauteing these in butter with some minced garlic. After they pull off their shrinkydink trick and get nice and brown, pour in a few tablespoons of dry sherry or wine. Cook and stir until most of the liquid is gone.

Bacon! If you have the time to include bacon, include bacon!

Most recipes call for you to add the produce in its raw form. I’ll do this when I’m short on time or out of wine and lack the inspiration for a long makeout session with the stovetop. Sauteing the veggies, preferably in bacon fat (except the mushrooms), really deepens the flavor and will reduce the overall cooking time.

Foxfur’s Split Pea Soup

8 cups chicken or ham broth
1 pound green split peas
2 to 10 strips of bacon, cut up into 1/2 inch pieces (optional) 1 carrot, diced
1 onion, chopped
1 shallot, diced (optional)
10 – 12 white mushrooms sliced and then cut in half
2 tbsp butter
1/2 tsp sage
1/2 tsp thyme
1/4 tsp black pepper
2 cloves garlic, minced OR 1 tsp minced garlic from a jar
1/2 tsp salt

Put 8 cups or 2 quarts (quarts are tastier!) of water in a biggish pot on the stove. Add your bullion cubes or powder. Set it to boil while you sort your peas as described below.

Put the dry peas in a bowl and cover with cold water. Stir with your paws to make any hulls float up and pitch ’em. Pick out discolored, shriveled, and otherwise unsavory characters. Pick out any gravel that may be in there. Why is there gravel in split peas? Do they sweep the peas around parking lots to get the hulls off? Tumble ’em in a cement mixer to do so? Who knows…
Rinse the peas in a colander and toss in the pot of boiling yum. Boil for around 5 minutes and then turn it down to a low simmer. A proper low simmer has a small amount of small bubbles bubbling up at a small frequency.

Add the sage, thyme, pepper, salt, and half the garlic to the pot. Simmer for an hour, stirring occasionally.
While it simmers you’ll prepare and add the veggies.

Throw the bacon in a frying pan set on medium. Fry to your preferred texture. For soup I’ll cook half of it floppy and the other half crispy. Toss in the pot and stir.

Pour all but a couple teaspoons of bacon fat out of the pan and add onions and shallots. Leave on medium and saute until translucent. Add the carrots and cook for another 2 – 3 minutes. Toss in the pot and stir.

Drop the butter in the pan. Allow it to melt completely then add the remainder of the garlic. Fry it up for 10 – 20 seconds then add the mushrooms. Stir or flip to distribute the butter amongst the mushrooms. Cook until the water in the pan is gone and the butter is soaked up. I like to add a few tablespoons of dry sherry or wine and cook down until the likker is pretty much soaked up. Toss in the pot and stir.

Remember, sauteing the veggies is optional. The mushrooms, if you decide to add them, really must be sauteed.

After an hour the peas should be getting mushy. This is the way I like mine and is the only way to make true split pea soup. If the peas are simply tender and still intact then it’s just pea soup. Know the difference.

Let it go until it reaches your standard of goodness. I let mine simmer for 1.5 to 2 hours. If it’s too thin, simmer a bit longer. Too thick? Add water.

Ladle into a mug or bowl and suck it down! Stir in a pat of butter if you’re feeling decadent or a tablespoon of mayonnaise if you’re feeling weird.

There are all kinds of things you can add to the soup as it cooks; ham, Spam, whole peas, corn, diced potatoes, cream, Tabasco or other hot sauce, etc.
Once done I like to add a small pinch of dill leaves that have been scrunched up with the fingers. It’s Germanish and wonderful. You can omit this your first time if you wish or add if you really like dill. It is far more delicious when accompanied by cornbread with butter and honey.

There you go. Homemade split pea soup. Try it, you’ll like it!

Fireworks, Fasteners, and Fabulous Food

This is my busy season. Fireworks shows, fun in the sun, and prepping for Burning Man. Rather than writing the thousands of words that I’d like to, I’ll post a dozen pics instead.


Cooking with Foxfur: Free Tatas!

We buy our eggs fresh from a farmer friend down the road. We’re always eating eggs; fried, scrambled, omeletified, in fried rice, etc. My favorite way, by far, is to use them in frittatas!

A frittata is kind of like an omelet but has the fixins throughout the eggy goodness instead of atop or inside. I call ’em garbagepail omelets because I’ll throw in whatever’s handy. Too much veggies to fit in last night’s skillet? Have a leftover slice of ham? Is that damned neighbor still smothering you in zucchini? Chop ’em up, throw ’em in. For those of you who have been suffering through reading my blog for a while, you might have caught on to a recurring theme. Lotsa whatever combined creatively resulting in tasty vittles.

This frittata recipe is for four people and is cooked on a stove instead of in an oven. As is usual with my recipes, this recipe is merely a guide that gives methods and theories. If you want to add a little of everything, great! If you want to load it with six bell peppers, wonderful!

Free Tatas!

4 Eggs
1 Small zucchini, diced
1 Small summer squash, diced
1 Small onion, sliced
1 Bell pepper, diced
1 Cup diced mushrooms
8 pieces crumbled bacon cooked to your preference
1/2 Cup diced ham
1/2 Can diced Spam
1 Cup shredded or grated cheese
2 Tablespoons Milk

Beat the hell out of the eggs and milk in a bowl or used quart yogurt container (Foxfur’s favorite). Add salt, pepper, etc to taste. I like to add 2 tablespoons of sweet chili sauce and a teaspoon of mirin. Add the cheese and beat well. Set aside.

If you’re using bacon, reserve some grease to saute the veggies in. Spam will provide a bit of grease as well though not as much. You won’t need to drain it.

Spam. It’s what’s for breakfast!

I go for 1/2 inch diced cubes on the Spam.

When the meat is almost done, toss in the veggies (except mushrooms) and saute until crisp-tender. Add the mushies if you’re using them (you really should be…) and go for another 2 minutes.

Don’t worry if it looks like you have too much good stuff in the frying pan, it is simply not possible. The eggs will always find their way through.

Now beat the egg / cheese mixture once again and pour over the veggies somewhat evenly so the cheese is equitably distributed.

Shake the pan to move the veggies around and spread them a bit so as to preclude bitching about Timmy getting more meat than Susie…

Slap a cover on the pan and let it go on medium heat for 8 to 10 minutes. You’ll have to figure out the heat and time that your stove works best at but unless you scorch the hell out of it, it won’t be a problem. We like the bottom of ours a bit past brown.

Here’s a peek at the tatas halfway through the thermal coagulation period:

You’ll notice I’m cooking on a hotplate. I actually do most of my cooking on it. Cooking on our electric range feels like I’m in a cave. I like cooking out on the island in our kitchen. I do the same for stir-fry cooking with a West Bend electric wok. Sometimes I’ll cook on an open fire in the front yard…

Once you no longer see any eggy goo on the top of your creation, it’s done!


Let it sit for 5 to 10 minutes, quarter it up with a spatula, and sling onto plates.

I made one yesterday morning with red, orange, and green peppers, red and Walla Walla onions, squash, zucchini, olives, fried potatoes, bacon, prosciutto, crab, and avocado. Oh hot damn!

Frittatas are good for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They’re good at room temperature or cold from the fridge. I throw a coupe slices in a ziploc bag and carry ’em in my pack for a lunch on the trail. They’re great sandwiched between pancakes or waffles. They rock when topped with sour cream, ketchup, Tabasco sauce, more cheese, or any combination of the above.

This 4 egg frittata serves four people comfortably. I’ve never scaled it up as it’s just Sweetpea and I eatin’ on it. It should scale up just fine. Please let me know how it works out for you either as a 4 egg or an 18 egg monstrosity.

Cooking with Foxfur: Kitsune Tofu Salad

This one is for Serenity, a fellow WordPress blogger, and my friend Jenny who saw the photo I put up on Facebook (I like to tease my friends with foodporn).

I had a tofu salad at a very nice Japanese restaurant 15 years ago. I was looking at what I had left for food stocks the other day and decided I’d try to recreate it. Not only did I come close, I surpassed the original.

Kitsune Tofu Salad

1 14 ounce package extra firm tofu, drained
1/4 cup soy sauce
1 tablespoon mirin (sweetened rice wine)
2 teaspoons sesame oil
1 tablespoon rice vinegar
1 clove garlic, minced
1 teaspoon fresh ginger, minced
1 large tomato, seeded and chopped
1 small onion, sliced paper thin
2 Tablespoons chopped cilantro
Sesame seeds

Free the tofu from its plastic prison and slap it on a plate. Place another plate on top of Mr. Tofu and put a few cans on top to press it down a bit. It Mr. T starts to crumble, I pity you, fool. The idea here is to press lots of water out of the tofu so it will be able to soak up the yummy dressing it will eventually be bathed in. The ‘fu will need to be squeezed for up to an hour. Pour off the expelled ‘fu juices every 15 minutes or so. After draining, cut it up into 1/2 to 3/4 inch cubes.

Mix the soy, mirin, vinegar, sesame oil, garlic, and ginger in a cup. I added a teaspoon of sugar the second time I made it. It was pretty good but I think I like it better without. If you have kids, they may be more likely to eat it. The second time I made it I also sauteed the garlic and ginger to see what it was like with them a bit crispity. Yum! It’s not necessary but kinda fancy…

Combine the ‘fu, tomatoes, and cilantro in a serving bowl. I like to get in there with my fingers to mess it up real good. Follow your heart here. Don’t worry it the ‘fu crumbles a bit. You’re never gonna get it Cooks Illustrated perfect. I sure don’t. Pour the dressing over the salad and mix it around a bit more. It’s just great right after you finish it and possibly a bit better after an hour or so in the fridge.Shake some sesame seeds on top of each serving before eating.

If you don’t have mirin, either don’t worry about it, or, go out and get some. I use it in everything from marinades to stir fry sauces.

Red onions give the dish a nice look. I ended up using Walla Walla sweet onions and it blew my mind.

By the way, kitsune is fox in japanese.


Cooking with Foxfur: Foxfur’s Black Bean Salad

Last month while blowing shit up at a friend’s house, his wife made the most deeelicious black bean salad I’ve ever tasted. Hers was much more involved than this recipe but again, my aim is to show those who think they can’t cook that they actually can and quite well at that.

Y’all know I’m not big on measurements. I play fast and loose when I make this stuff (much like I typically conduct my daily affairs). Well, Sweetpea likes it so much that she wants to make it when I go out of town so she made me calcumalate whatall it takes to do it right. Now you, dear reader, get to reap the benefits.

This is an easy one. If you can drive a spoon, you’ll do just fine.

Foxfur’s Black Bean Salad

  • 2 Cans black beans
  • 1 Can corn
  • 1/2 Red, orange, or green bell pepper, minced or chopped
  • 1/2 Onion (red is real purty), minced or chopped
  • 5 – 6 Grape or cherry tomatoes
  • 12 – 15 chopped black olives (about 1/3 cup)
  • 1 Tbsp finely chopped cilantro
  • 2 Tbsp Oil
  • 2 Tbsp Lime juice
  • 1/2 Tbsp Lemon juice
  • 2 Tbsp Sugar
  • 1 Tsp Salt
  • 3 Shakes + 1 Dash Black pepper

First off, open the cans and rinse the veggies well! This is the secret to good bean salads. The thick goo in the bottom of the beans does not look good at all and will earn you detention with Foxfur. After draining, throw ’em in a great big bowl. One big enough to toss the stuff around in and lose less than a few spoonfuls.

Wash and slice up the onion and pepper. I like using Vidalia sweet or red onions. As stated above, reds are all purtylike. For peppers, red is really dazzling and gives the best contrast, orange will make your hair soft and silky, and green peppers will allow you to find parking spots up to 40% faster! Why no yellow? Because it looks like the corn, silly! Here’s a place where color coordination just doesn’t work. The only coordination I want to see here is in the form of manual dexterity adequate enough to ensure a complete absence of severed digits in your completed salad. When done, toss ’em in the bowl.

While we’re on the subject of peppers,

Get a good look now, kids. OK, let’s move on…

Olives: You can buy the pre-chopped kind but they’re three times more expensive than whole olives. After rinsing, smash them flat with the side of your knife or machete then chop coarsely. Then, yep, toss ’em in the bowl!

Tomatoes > Chop > Bowl.

Wash and finely mince the cilantro and then? The bowl? Nope. Set aside for the moment.

Now pour the oil, juices, sugar, salt, pepper, and cilantro into a container with a splatter-proof cap and shake the living crap out of it. Then pour it in the bowl.

Getcha a big spoon and stir well. Toss and turn to mix it all up. Now I’d suggest putting it in the fridge for an hour or two to let it stew in its juices and get all flavory but I’d never ask you to do something that I wouldn’t do myself. Hell, dig in! If there’s anything left over it’ll taste even better the next morning (if that’s even possible).

I highly recommend doubling this recipe. One batch doesn’t usually see the light of day at the Foxes den…

Cooking with Foxfur: Cucumber Hummus Wraps

We had a blast of summer weather recently and it put me in the mood to fix up some seasonal vittles. I learned this one from my wino-twin Anne. Sweetpea will buy a bottle of wine now and then and send me over to spend the night at her place. Kill a couple bottles, grill up some T-bone steaks, watch some movies. I lucked out to catch me a wife who’ll let me do that.

I nearly fell off my horse when Anne told me about this sammich. It has no meat! While this is unusual for me, it is completely outrageous coming from her. About as fucked up as a football bat as my old sarge would have said. Anne and I are always cracking jokes about vegetarians & vegans. I carried a ziplock full of bacon to an Occupy rally and magnificently offended their sensibilities although a few self identified vegans did partake…

Here’s whatcha came for:

Cucumber Hummus Wraps

  • Whole wheat or spinach tortillas, any size
  • 1 Cucumber
  • Hummus
  • Alfalfa sprouts
  • Sunflower or sesame seeds

Peel the cuke and slice it in half lengthwise. If you like, and I like, scoop out the seeds with a spoon. Now slice the half in half lengthwise then slice the quarter in half length lengthwise. You can do it again if you want a l’il challenge or want to add fingertips to your wrap…

Slap a tortilla on top of the bag. Spread a tablespoon or three of hummus on the first third of it. I use roasted garlic or pine nut hummus with a teaspoon of Tabasco sauce mixed into the original container.

Now sprinkle some sunflower seeds or sesame seeds on the hummus. Pine nuts, almonds, and crushed pistachios are dandy too.

Take 3 or 4 cucumber spears and press ’em into the hummus. Add a dash of salt and pepper if’n you so desire.

Now top with alfalfalfalfa sprouts (love that word!).

Roll it up, cut it in half, and throw it on a plate. Order up!

That right there is some fine summer vittles! Sometimes I’ll add roast beef and honey mustard or a couple slices of crispy bacon.

Serve with lemonade, limeaid, wine, etc.


Cooking with Foxfur: Pasta Salad with Bolt Cutters

We’re in the middle of a heat wave with temperatures in excess of 73 degrees. Don’t laugh, it’s Oregon. It’s warm enough to dry out the webbing between our toes and evaporate at least an inch of water from the front yard. Seeing as how summer’s here, for the next three days anyway, I felt it was time for whipping up some summer fare: Pasta salad.

I decided to cook the pasta outside lest I risk heat stroking the cat and otherwise negatively affecting indoor air quality. I have a propane stove I made from a barbeque that someone threw off the bridge and into the creek last summer. That’s the thing with living in the sticks, it’s a free dump for the cityfolk. I wrassled the thing to shore with a comealong and removed the side wing burner assembly. I welded up a frame and stand from scrap angle iron and water pipe (that’s bong to you hippies) and since the burner valve was damaged I installed a propane regulator from a dead BBQ out in the yard. So I went out to use Frankenstove and LO! The burner grate thingy was gone!

Similar to cast iron, don’t clean it once it’s seasoned…

After turning the kitchen upside-down and finding no cooling racks, much to Sweetpea’s delight (Mrs. Foxfur), I decided to use the steel mesh from my gold dredge’s sluicebox. One problem: it wasn’t there either. I finally found something that would work:

Good thing the plastic was there to hold the rust together. I used the blade on the BBQ brush to knock the plastic off and the bristles to shine it up a bit.

A little pruning with the bolt cutters…

Let’s see Bobby Flay do this!

That being done, it’s time to start cooking.

Tuna Pasta Salad

  • 2 Cups pasta (shells, elbows, bow-ties, anatomical shapes)
  • 1 Cup mayonnaise (or Miracle Whip)
  • 1 Tsp Salt
  • 1 Tsp Sugar
  • 1 Tbsp Vinegar (cider, white, rice, glacial acetic acid)
  • 2 Tbsp Mustard, prepared (yellow, dijon, honey mustard)
  • 2 Pinches & 1 Dash black pepper
  • 3 Bell peppers or enough to equal 1 Cup when minced
  • 1/2 Medium onion or enough to equal 1/4 Cup when minced
  • 1 Cup green peas (1/2 can)
  • 1 5 – 6 Ounce can of tunafish

Fine Fixin’s

Set 2 quarts (4 cups) of water on to boil. Add a few dashes of salt. When boiling, dump yer pasta in.

You probably know how to do this but I’m having fun with the new camera and it just looks cool. This camera has a special food mode. My food is special.

Let it go for 8 – 10 minutes until it’s done how you like it. I like mine all denty like (al dente for you purists). Then drain it. If you don’t have a pot lip strainer, get one. Mine is stainless steel from IKEA. It’s imported (from Vietnam)!

Set the pasta aside to cool.

Now we’ll prep the veggies. I recently acquired an incredible ceramic knife. It’s the only knife I’ve ever had that will slice through a piece of paper just like Zorro can do! Got it at The Grocery Outlet, or as Sweetpea likes to call it, The Grocery Whorehouse: You never know what you’re gonna find but it’ll be cheap. Price wise, not quality wise. It’s like a garage sale for food!

I minced the onion up really fine, about the size of pickle relish. You don’t want (I don’t want) big chunks of onion. I mince the peppers a bit bigger. While cutting up the yellow pepper I found clear evidence of either alien life or genetic engineering within:

The tentacles retracted every time I tried taking a photo so you’re just gonna have to trust me…

The veggies were done thusly:

Sexy vegetables!

Combine the mayo, vinegar, salt, sugar, pepper, and mustard. Now whip it, whip it good. Slather it all over the pasta and mix until homogenous. That’s a big word. I like big words. Fold in the veggies until evenly dispersed. If done semi-correctly, you may just end up with something like this:

I like to throw all sorts of tidbits in mine. Diced ham, cheese, bacon, corn, green onions, crabmeat, etc. Don’t get too hung up on amounts of ingredients. I vary the amount of mayo and seasonings depending on how crazy I get with the tidbits. I’ll leave out the vinegar for the unadventurous and serve it on the same plate as their PBJ with the crusts cut off. You know their kind.

Get reckless with this salad. If you mess it up, put it in a nice bowl, cover it with foil, tie a ribbon over the top, and bring it to your neighbor. Just be sure to get your bowl back…

Cooking With Foxfur: Huevos Volcanoes

Here’s a recipe I’ve been making for almost 20 years. Have some leftover mashed potatoes, some eggs, and an oven? This is a great recipe that takes just a few minutes to prepare and 20 – 25 minutes to cook. It should be fun to make with the kids. I can’t positively say that as I have no rugrats of my own, but, since you get to play with the potatoes with your hands it’s a safe bet they’d really dig it.

Foxfur’s Huevos Volcanoes

  • ~1 Cup room temperature mashed potatoes
  • 1 Egg
  • Salt, pepper, or whatever seasonings you like on yer huevos

Place a 1 cup glob of the mashies on a greased cookie sheet, cast iron skillet, or piece of aluminum siding (remove paint first!). Use bacon grease for best results though Crisco (butter flavor rocks) or oil will work fine. Shape the glob into a Mount St. Helens type of volcano:

Eggs cook faster in volcanoes than ovens…
This one holds 1,000,000,000,000 eggs.

For 1 egg it should look like this:

Make the crater deeper than this…

Crack an egg on a spoon edge and carefully pour it in the crater. If you drop some shell bits in there, you’ve got some extra calcium. Don’t try to get them out. Just don’t. If you absolutely must (rebel!), be sure to use something like needlenose pliers, hemostats, or a roach clip.

I said carefully because it’s nearly impossible, heh. My crater wasn’t deep enough and turned out like the north face of Helens with a blowout / spillover. This ain’t Martha Stewart.

Now we’re cooking!

Sprinkle some salt, pepper, and garlic powder atop your huevo. For a treat you can place a spoonful of salsa or bruchetta it the crater pre-huevo. Heat your oven to 375F and stick it in. For a soft cooked egg with a runny yolk, shoot for 20 minutes. For a cooked through egg go out to 25 minutes.

Take the volcano out of yer horno (that’s Spanish for oven, gringo) and let it cool for 5 to 10 minutes. Gently jam a spatula halfway under it from multiple directions to free it from the sheet, skillet, or siding. Lift with the spatula and transfer to a plate and throw a side of bacon or Spam down next to it. I had bulgogi with mine for a complete leftover breakfast sweep.
Dowse with Tabasco or ketchup or both.
Scale up the recipe for more people. I’ve cooked up to 6 at once.
I’d continue ranting but I’m going over to a friend’s house to set stuff on fire. I’ll post some pics of that after I’m released from the burn unit…

Peanut Butter, Pickles, Bacon, & Beef

I just (barely) got back from eating the best burger I’ve ever had: The Peanut Butter – Pickle – Bacon Burger. This wasn’t a custom order. It was on the menu. All I had to add was Tabasco sauce. They even serve PBR in 16oz cans to cleanse your palate with between bites.

The Peanut Butter – Pickle – Bacon Burger

My friend had the Fun Guy Burger. (I can hear y’all asking why I didn’t put a Fun Guy in my mouth… Filthy perverts.)

The “Fun Guy” Burger with mushrooms and swiss…

Something to do the next time you’re in Portland. (Pssst, Minxy)

Killer Burger. The name says it all.

Cooking With Foxfur: Hoisin Ginger Prawns

If this recipe doesn’t make you mess your pants it’ll certainly mess up your shirt if you don’t know how to drive a pair of chopsticks…

Seriously (I use that word loosely here), it’s so good that I went out and bought a new camera and cooked it up again just so I could take photos of it and share the magic. Why a new camera? First, I realized that my pictures were looking like a sun faded menu taped up in a south facing window of a Korean restaurant. Second? I lost my camera a couple of weeks ago when friends took me out and got me all shitty for my birthday. Good excuse to step up from that Nikon “My First Digital Camera” I had…

OK! So last Sunday night I was thinking and it got all messy. I started out with “I want a monster truck!” and progressed to “How do they make colored concrete pavers?” then “Why do I have to use periods at all?” and “When am I supposed to take my meds?”. Somewhere around the point when the voices and I were singing the theme song to Gilligan’s Island I suddenly realized that my blood sugar level was getting lower than my box of wine and that I should probably put something in my belly. I had lotsa tasty veggies, plenty of oink, moo, and cluck, and hoisin sauce in fuck you quantities. Always wanting what I don’t have and seeking to make life more complicated than it has to be (lack of stimulation), I decided that what I really wanted was shrimp or prawns. I loaded up the Conestoga and the trusty, er rusty, shotgun, put on my body armor and Hello Kitty finger puppets, and rolled into town. I ended up getting some kickass 31/40 frozen prawns. They called ’em shrimp but saying prawns makes me feel all fancy like so that’s what we’re going with here.

31/40 prawns ain’t some oddball rifle cartridge, it refers to how many critters you get per pound. It’s about a medium size morsel of the size that you’d get in a prawn dish at a restaurant. This dish, if they served it, would set you back twenty bucks and you’d be lucky if there were more than 14 critters in the whole dish. These things only cost $6 a pound. They take a little time to shell but if you’re reading this drivel then you obviously have plenty of time on your hands…

Here’s a list of ingredients with approximate measurements:

Foxfur’s Hoisin Ginger Prawns

  • 1 Pound frozen medium prawns (shrimp)
  • 1 Pound sugar snap pea pods
  • 1 Red bell pepper
  • 1 Can baby corn, drained
  • 1 Giant hunk (3 to 4 Tbsp) ginger cut into matchsticks
  • 6 Cloves garlic, chopped
  • 1/4 Cup hoisin sauce
  • 1 tsp coconut oil (peanut, olive, or vegetable oil is just fine)
  • 1tsp sesame oil (see above)

AND, think about serving it atop a bed of coconut rice (easy!):

  • 2 Cups rice (almost any kind will do)
  • 1 Can coconut milk
  • 1 Cup water

There’s nothing too difficult about this dish. Don’t let the shrimp, umm, prawns, scare you. They’re dead.

One item that I highly recommend for any kitchen is a small rice cooker:

This one set me back ten bucks or 400 rounds of .22LR and will make 6 cups of rice at a time.

Dump 2 cups of rice in and add the liquids. The can of coconut milk will be 14 ounces or so meaning you’ll have to add about 1 1/4 cups of water to make 3 cups total liquid. I use light coconut milk having less fat but all the flavor. We’ll make up for the fat deficit by using coconut oil to cook the prawns with. My cooker seems to have a hitch in its giddyup when it comes to making this kind of rice. I plug it in, depress the cook lever, and it pops up in less than 5 minutes. I think it has something to do with the heat absorptive, refractive, thermoclinic or other fancy scientific termed properties of the coconut milk. I just take the rice pot out of the cooker base and set it aside for 10 – 15 minutes and unplug the cooker. I plug it back in after my prep routine is done and it comes out fine. For those not having a cooker, combine the rice and liquids in a 2 quart saucepan, bring to a boil, reduce the heat to a simmer for 20 minutes. Set a timer or suffer burned rice. That’s why I bought the cooker. Something shiny always seems to distract me and I end up feeding the stuff to the cows and birds.

Next, dump the frozen shrimp in a suitable container and fill with cold water. Let it sit in the sink while you prepare the other ingredients and run some more cold water through it letting it overflow for a minute or so.

Get yer pea pods and rinse ’em all good like. Trim the ends off like so:

I don’t like the tough little ends and neither should you. The string along the edge is bad enough. The open ends allow yummy juices to infiltrate and infuse the innards with flavor. Now set them aside and move on to the bell pepper.

I learned a nifty way to prep peppers for slicing from a chef who looks like a serial killer that really knows his knives:

Pretty scary, no?

Slice or dice the peppers however you like ’em and toss atop the pea pod pile.

Now, the ginger:When you’re done with that, grab the ginger root. I like my ginger in matchsticks. It’s easier than chopping and dicing but still retains the promise of appendage amputation when done just wrong. The picture below shows the absurd amount of ginger I use.

Stand it up on end and peel it by slicing down the sides. Next, cut it into thin slices. Hold it between your fingers so that it stays together as you slice it.

Rotate it 90 degrees and slice it into matchsticks. You’ll end up with some that you won’t be able to cut into sticks. You can either mince these bits or smash with the side of the knife until you feel calm again.

Now comes the easy part that most folks think is the hard part but just takes a few minutes. Get out a bowl to put the peeled shrimp in, a bowl to put the shells in, and a straw for your glass of wine. I don’t like picking up my glass with prawn juice on my hands…

I bought deveined easy peel prawns. They’re sliced down the back when the crustacean wranglers devein them. If you buy undeveined ones you’ll have to figure how to accomplish the following steps. I’m lazy.

Grab the edge of the shell at the top where the head used to be and run your finger around to the other side of the neck. Gently peel the shell down towards the tail and grab any leg bits as you go. The shell is gonna come off above the tail, but, if you do it right, when the shell is down to the last segment or two you can grasp the bugger by the tail and pull it right off. The pic below shows one with the tail meat bit still intact and one without. Don’t worry if that bitlet gets away, you’re not missing too much.

M’kay. We’re done with prep and ready to move on.

Drop a teaspoon (or a tablespoon) of coconut oil (or whatever) into your wok or pan. Let it get all hot and melty like and dump in most of the ginger and garlic. Stir it up, keep it moving, and go for about 30 seconds. You’re infusing the oil, damn fine oil if you’re using coconut oil, with the flavors of the roots of the gods so that they will in turn infuse the critters of the gods with said flavors. Throw the shrimp in the pan and don’t let them sit. Cook for 2 minutes and set aside.

Heat up another teaspoon of oil and the rest of the ginger and garlic then throw the pea pods, peppers, and bebeh corns in there. Toss immediately to coat them evenly with oil and cook for 3 minutes or until the peas begin to turn a bright green color.

Dump the shrimp back in and go for another 2 minutes.

Pour the hoisin sauce over the whole mess and stir it in really well. Turn and toss to get the sauce all over and into everything. Cook for a minute or so. Pour it out on a platter or into a bowl or use your best Tupperware.

Mound up some coconut rice on a plate and carpet bomb it with obscene amounts of your hard earned prawny goodness.

Rather than prattle on about inane crap like I usually do, I’m gonna get me some leftover prawns, feed my foodhole, and go pass out…

Cooking with Foxfur: Junk Fried Rice

Fried rice, the garbage disposal dish. Got leftovers? Make fried rice. You can put anything in it and it will be a damn fine dish. Got a half chicken gathering flies? How about that pork chop you’re thinking of trashing? Your hubby and the rugrats didn’t finish their ham at breakfast? So much the better if they didn’t finish their scrambled eggs. Did the folks sitting next to you at the restaurant not finish their plates? Go scrape their plates! Their loss is your gain. Been there, done that more than once when I was a bachelor… I really like to make mine from scratch but when I have bits of vittles like left over stir-fry, that half can of Spam hiding in the corner of the fridge, or diced up whatever that I forgot to use for another recipe, I’ll dump it in the wok and recycle it into a new dish.

The biggest hurdle you might face is the rice. You pretty much have to use cold, not necessarily refrigerated, rice. 4 to 6 cups of cooked rice will do just fine. I toss 2 cups of rice and 3 cups of water in the rice cooker and let ‘er go. When done I’ll unplug it and let it sit for an hour or three. If you’re in a hurry, dump it on a cookie sheet and spread it out to cool. Don’t worry about the type either. Long grain is what I like but I’ve used short grain, medium grain, sushi, jasmine, and brown rice. Hell, try wild rice, black rice, or Rice Crispies. Hmm, fried Rice Crispies… Some R&D is called for…

Remember: Cooking with Foxfur is primarily aimed at people who think they can’t cook. The other demographic is folks who worry too much about measurements. I’ll put an ingredient list below, BUT, please don’t follow it! Make additions, substitutions, deletions, and excuses as needed. You’re making dinner not rocket fuel. Just like tossing hand grenades, close is good enough.

So here’s what I started with:

A bewildering array epicurean detritus...

Foxfur’s Junk Fried Rice

  • A pound or so of meat
  • 4 – 6 Cups of cold rice
  • A can of corn, drained
  • A can of peas, drained
  • 2 eggs, scrambled
  • 1 Green onion thinly sliced
  • Other tasty scraps

If you’re using fresh uncooked meat, why not marinate it? I used dark soy sauce, mirin, and sesame oil. You don’t have to drown the meat. Use a tablespoon of soy sauce, whatever type you like, a tablespoon of mirin (sweetened rice wine) although sake, wine, beer, or fruit juice will do just as well, and a splash of sesame oil. Use whatever oil you have. Cut the meat up into fine pieces. I go with 1/4 inch cubes, but do what you want. This is where you get to stick it to the restaurant and get even for all the unsatisfying fried rice you’ve ever had. Were their meaty bits too teensy? Use gobbing hunks in yours. Too little meat? Add three pounds to yours. Whatever you want is what you should have. Throw the meat in a bowl with the marinade. Do this before doing anything else. I like my meat to soak for half an hour before I start playing with it.

Git yer veggies. Put a good teaspoon or two of oil in the pan and heat it up pretty hot. Throw the veggies in and stir ’em around real good like. You want them all to get a bit of oil on them. Cook ’em until they’re a bit past what most folks would consider done. Not burned but not too moist. That’s how I like mine, anyway. Peas are a good indicator vegetable. They should be a bit shriveled but not all pruney. Don’t worry if you get some burned or black spots on them, it’s all part of the goodness. The picture below shows how mine look when they’re where I like ’em.

Stop when they look like this.

When you cook a little longer you’ll concentrate the flavors. The corn will be a bit denser, the peas a bit firmer, and the flavor a bit better. Toss the veggies aside. I usually use the bowl I’m going to serve with or the container I’ll put the leftover product in the refrigerator with.

Now grab yer meat. Heat up the pan with another teaspoon or two of oil. Throw in a bunch of ginger, either minced or cut into matchsticks. Drop a few cloves of garlic in as well. I like using the chopped stuff in a jar. I’d rather be outside in the yard setting stuff on fire than inside peeling and chopping garlic. Stir ’em around for 20 – 30 seconds and dump the meat in. If it clucked or snorted, cook the piss out of it. There ain’t no such thing as a medium rare chicken breast or a bloody rare pork steak that’s going to be good for you. Even if it’s beef, I’ll cook it til it’s well glazed and just a bit dry. Again, the flavor is concentrated and I love the firm texture.

Cook the pork (or other raw meat) with the marinade if using one.

Cook the meat until glazed with marinade.

Stuff your meat into the same container that your veggies went into.

The scrambled eggs are optional. I feel they’re mandatory. While I say to use two, I use three. There’s never enough eggs in the fried rice in any restaurant! It’s enough to make you want to bring a pocket full of eggs and sneak a handful in your bowl. When you beat your eggs, be sure to add salt, pepper, onion powder, milk, sugar, and whatever else you’d put in them for normal scrambled eggs. Drizzle a bit of oil in the pan, heat it up real good, and scramble the hell out of the eggs. It doesn’t matter if they’re not completely done as they’ll finish up when you mix them into the rice a bit later.

Now comes the part that stumps lots of people. An oft heard question is “How do I know when the rice is fried enough?” When you like it is my standard answer. It depends if you like your fried rice clumpy or grainy. I like mine with separated grains. I use 4 to 5 tablespoons of peanut oil for 4 to 6 cups of rice. Heat up the oil and add the rice. Stir and toss it around to get the oil worked through it. Break up clumps with your spatula or spoon. If it is clumping pretty bad or keeps reclumping, add more oil! Add a teaspoon or so, stir, bust up the rice clods and add more as needed. Keep stirring and flipping the rice for 5 to 10 minutes. I like mine pretty well done so I go for about 8 minutes. You don’t want the rice to be crispy or hard. Keep it between the lines…

Add 583,000 grains of rice.

Grab your bottle of soy sauce and shake some over it after 5 minutes or so. You might like a lighter soy flavor, I like a heartier, saltier flavor. Add a bit and taste it. Remember to keep tasting your food as you cook. Nothing makes me crazier than to see people cooking and not tasting! It’s like painting with your eyes closed. It’s the number one way to ruin your food as well as your reputation as a cook.

The perfect shade of brown.

You’ll notice above that not every grain of rice is brown. This isn’t a commercial or test kitchen. This isn’t a cookbook. This is Real Life! If I was going for a polished look the first thing I’d do is upgrade my shitty little point and shoot digital camera to something that actually renders colors appropriately. I’d rather spend my money on wine, ammunition, and fireworks.

If you really must have absolute uniformity, spread the rice out on a cookie sheet, fill up a Windex bottle with soy sauce, and mist the rice until all is right with the world. Be aware that it’s anally retentive people like you that make the rest of us look bad.

It’s time to bring it all together now. Grab your meatbucket and rain the meaty goodness down upon the rice. The veggies too! Be sure to add the scrambled eggs and green onions. Mix it all up good and thoroughly.

Add leftover fried rice to the next batch of fried rice.

There you have it, junk fried rice. For an even heartier flavor, add 1/4 teaspoon of MSG. Don’t listen to the pussies that would have you believe the stuff will kill you or it’s manufactured in Satan’s pants. The stuff is seriously good and no matter what the elitist foodies say, it’s a great way to boost the flavor of foods. It is no more cheating than adding salt or water to food. As a matter of fact, it’s much healthier than salt as the sodium content of MSG is far lower than table salt. Soy sauce, bullion, gravy, bacon, roasted meats, blue and parmesan cheese all have naturally occurring amounts of glutamate. It’s the reason savory foods taste the way they do. For you smart ones, you know the fifth taste: Umami, “pleasant savory taste”.

Whether you use it or not, fried rice made by your own hands will meet, and more likely than not, beat that which you find in a restaurant. Maybe not the first time but hey, you sucked pretty bad the first time you rode a bike, no?

Cooking with Foxfur: Eggs Bastardict

I couldn’t sleep the other night. Not as in “I didn’t sleep well”. I didn’t sleep a wink. I think it was due to having another class in the morning at pyrotechnician school with a live fireworks shoot. I ended up quitting my efforts to sleep and got out of bed at 3:00 AM. What to do… I settled on installing a new drive coupler in my friend’s washing machine (where I’m house sitting). 30 minutes later I was bored again. After a brief Facebook discussion about government cheese and bemoaning the fact that it’s no longer available, I was inspired to make a grilled cheese sandwich. I thought grilled cheese with Spam sounded like a fine idea.

As I began to forage the kitchen for proper ingredients I was suddenly inspired to go above and beyond what I had planned. As good and wholesome as it is, the humble grilled cheese was going to have to wait. I decided to rummage through the fridge and cabinets and come up with something blogworthy. I loves me some multi-ingredient cuisine…

I wanted a version of Eggs Benedict that didn’t involve the complexity of hollandaise. One should never attempt hollandaise while sleep deprived. Besides, I didn’t have any lemon juice for the sauce. I didn’t have any Canadian bacon but I did have Spam. I didn’t have English muffins but there were hoagie rolls, you know, the double wide buns that a polish dog is served in. What better to replace hollandaise sauce with than chili? Ready? Here we go…

Eggs Bastardict

  • A hoagie roll (or whatever)
  • 4 Slices of Spam (or bacon, lunch meat, sausage, hotdogs…)
  • 2 Eggs
  • Half a can of no beans chili
  • Seasonings to sex up the chili

The rolls wouldn’t fit in a toaster, not that I had one, so I used what I had. Toast the rolls over a low gas flame. Move them around so as not to blacken them, unless you’re into that kind of thing. I couldn’t get mine all golden brown like a newfangled piece of proper toast but they came out just fine.

If you don’t have a gas stove, use a propane torch. Don’t laugh, it works. Electric burners will work as well.

Cut your Spam in 1/4 inch thick slices and fry until brown.

I'm pretty sure this is the manna that the bible talks about

When done, place Spam on the toasted rolls.

Spam. It's what's for dinner.I almost called it quits at this point…

Next up, eggs! Scoop a bit of fat out of the top of the can and toss it into your pan.

Spamfat is the new butter...A few tips on frying eggs. Whether you use a non-stick pan or a traditional one, always use a fat or oil of some kind. It serves not only to prevent the food from sticking to the pan, which happens no matter which type of pan you use, but also as a heat transfer agent. It forms a conductive film that transfers heat to the food. If you’re concerned about fat intake, in which case you shouldn’t be looking at this recipe, use olive oil. Another tip for perfect fried eggs is to use a cover on the pan. Using one allows the heat and steam to be trapped and cook the tops of the eggs. You’ll have to test out how long to let them go until they’re done to your taste. Over medium heat I let mine go for about 3 minutes.

When the eggs are done enough for you, pile them atop the lovely Spam.

Looks like an owlNext up is the “sauce”. I use many canned foods but never allow them down my gullet without a bit of sexing up. I don’t think I’ve ever met a canned food (or any other food not prepared by me for that matter), that couldn’t use some seasoning. Prepared foods are made to appeal to the lowest common denominator. Don’t be afraid to add unconventional seasonings, just add something. I used Tabasco’s Sweet n Spicy sauce, onion powder, a teaspoon of chopped garlic, and some fresh minced ginger. The chili I found at Grocery Outlet. It’s like a garage sale for food. You never know what you’ll find there. They used to have Spam with Japanese kanji script on the cans…

Never eat something out of a can without modificationsI used half the can. Put it in a small dish or bowl, season it, and microwave it for 90 seconds. Taste and add more crap as needed. Pour the chili over the eggs, top with cheese, onions, fresh parsley, whatever, and grab a fork.

Shazzam!Oh hell yes! That’s a real breakfast. Try finding this at a restaurant…

A friend’s question about cholesterol reminded me that I’d tallied the nutrition information for this light and healthy recipe…

  • Calories: 1030, 550 from fat
  • Fat: 62.5g
  • Cholesterol: 585mg
  • Protein: 55g
  • Sodium: 3050mg

An interesting fact about the cholesterol content of this waistline whittling meal. The eggs: 430mg. The Spam: 80mg.

Spam is healthy. Case closed.