Porn Tacos, Not Just A Euphemism


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All this could be yours…

 

These tacos have become a staple in my bag-o-tricks. Savory, tangy, tart and sweet, they’ve got everything! I’m sure we’ve all seen a bit of porn and I know we’ve all eaten a taco so why not combine the two?

Okay, before you start thinking the ingredients have to come out of your own or others’ pants, I need to assure you there’s no actual porn in the recipe, sorry. You can cook it bow-chicka-wow-wow nekkid if you really need to go there though.

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Signage is important!

Why the Porn??
It comes from a communication breakdown and bad hearing when Sweetpea (Mrs. Foxfur) yelled from the back room, “Can I have another pork taco?” but I heard Porn Taco. A legend was born.
These have been to Burning man, SOAK* (Oregon’s regional burner event), several other festy-type shindigs, and countless friend’s homes. There’s only one thing left at the end of the night, mouths wanting more. I had a near riot after running out at SOAK* last year. You might have to beat people off to make sure there’s enough porn for everyone.

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Porn Tacos Gone Wild! This was a Porn Taco breakfast which makes me wonder about the total absence of alcoholic beverages. Booze and porn, yay!

Porn Tacos

2 teaspoons cumin seeds -OR- 2 teaspoons ground
1/2 teaspoon black peppercorns -OR- 1/4 teaspoon ground
1 head (8 to 12 cloves) garlic, minced
2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon dried Mexican or regular oregano
2/3 cup orange juice*
1/4 cup lemon juice*
1/4 cup lime juice*
*Or use 1-1/4 cups bitter orange juice instead of the mixed  juices, it’s the real deal…
1/3 cup dry sherry
2 tablespoons oil (coconut, olive, canola)
2-3 cups water
2 to 4 pounds boneless pork country style ribs
The ribs aren’t in a rack, they’re individual, ask the butcher.

Put a small saucepan or skillet on medium heat. Add the cumin seeds and peppercorns to it then stir and shake constantly until good and smelly, about a minute or two. If it smells like a sweaty plumber, you’re there! Let cool.

Crush spices with a mortar and pestle, suribachi or your own homemade contraption.

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You can use pre-ground spices or toast your own and grind ’em! I tore the handle off a pepper grinder and hooked it up to my cordless drill. Fucking brilliant, right?

You can use a food processor but then you don’t get the exercise. If you’re using pre-ground spices, don’t bother. Toss it all into your stew pot and stir in the garlic, juice, sherry and oil and bring to a simmer. Now set the ribs in the pot. It’s OK if they’re touching and a little crammed, they’ll be comfy. Pour in 2-3 cups of water, just enough to mostly cover the ribs. I always have an inch or so above the surface, just get in there and turn the exposed ones every 10 minutes or so. I’ll toss a can of PBR or Shock Top beer in sometimes. Open it first…

Bring back to a boil then reduce to a simmer and cover. Let the ribs go for an hour, turning every so often. Don’t worry if they fall apart, that’s what we’re doing later anyhow.
After simmering for an hour, remove the cover and cook down the liquid to a quarter or less of the original level. You’ll need to turn the heat up until it’s bubbling a bit but not close to boiling. Check and turn every 15 minutes. After 30-40 minutes start keeping a close eye on the level, it can go down pretty fast. I usually take it to the point where it’s almost a syrup, probably 1/4 cup, and the bottoms of the ribs are browned (it makes a heartier flavor) but you can stop at anytime. And don’t take the times listed for reducing the sauce as gospel. Be a helicopter chef the first time you make porn and hover around it until you see it through to the end.

Take the ribs out and shred them with forks then mix in some or all of the reduced cooking liquid. Taste the liquid first… DAMN! pretty tart & tangy, yeah?
At this point you have to make a choice. You can serve the shredded pork over rice or you can be a boss and go for the Porn Taco option.
The authentic Porn Taco is made with flour tortillas browned with a blowtorch, then slathered with sour cream with the pork with cilantro on top. Go nuts and add some crumbled cotija cheese, chopped green olives, or whatever else you fancy.
I press ’em kinda flat and cut them in half so everybody in the crowd can get some porn in their mouths.

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For best results lightly toast the tortillas with a blowtorch. They then become Torchtilla!.

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And build one of these cute li’l bastards; the variable-speed Torchtilla Turntable. Sweep the flame from center to edge a few times as it rotates. Work smart or work hard, your choice.

These are the perfect food for a potluck, tailgate party, or Tuesday night at home. People won’t soon forget them. In fact, if you bring them to a party then something else to the next party they’ll send you home to make the porn. I’m not kidding, I’ve had friends get truly upset that I hadn’t set one aside for them. And there’s never a worry about leftovers, when Porn Tacos are served everybody comes quickly…

So there you go, the only way to be a real pornstar is to make homemade Porn Tacos. I served one to a real-life porn star at Burning Man and she loved every inch of it.

***Hey vegans, you can make Porn Tofu!! Just sub cubed extra firm tofu for the meat and proceed exactly as above. Carnivores have eaten ’em and didn’t realize there was no meat in ’em, yay! Smoked tofu is even firmer than the smoke-deficient version, My dear friend Pe Low came up with that one. Her Porn Tofu beats my version paws down, no contest. Due to the firmness she was able to dice it into 1/4-inch cubes which means more surface area which allows easy penetration.

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SIGNAGE people, I can’t emphasize just how important signage is.

PORN TACOS SIGN BM

Did I mention signage? It’s scaled to 8.5×11″ so you can print one up for your next Porn Taco soiree. Then I won’t nag you about signage…

 

You might be looking down here for the asterisk to see why it was next to SOAK. That’s just how it’s spelled, SOAK*. It’s a play on the “Burn” in Burning Man, because it’s a Burning Man regional event and it rains 482 days a the year up here in Oregon. Learn more about it HERE.

What’s a Burning Man regional? It’s much less expensive and much closer to you, like in your state, and has a very similar vibe to The Burn; art, fire, theme camps, bars, etc. For those not able to go to the big event, regionals allow them to experience the magic. A full list of regional events held yearly around the world can be found HERE. From Shanghai, China to the United Arab Emirates to Russia and beyond, there’s one near you.

PORN TACOS CITIES NUTS 9UP

One more for gender equality!

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Hot Damn, Home Cured Ham!


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This is all you need (molasses optional). The sugar is turbinado or some such expensive fancypants stuff. Plain white sugar is all I use now. The pink stuff is the curing salt.

 

Can you stir sugar into a cup of coffee?
Can you leave something be in the fridge?
Can you close your eyes and touch your nose?
If you answered yes to either of the top two questions then you can cure your own ham.
If you answered in the negative on the third then you’re drunk, but, the good news is that you can cure a ham with only one eye open.

Ham’s always been a favorite of mine. I don’t remember my first bite of ham but I’ll bet I got the finger of the fool feeding it to me. This is the recipe that will change your life. Ham seems a mystery to most but if you have a two pound hunk of pork then you’re well on your way to your first ham. How? Stir a few powders and spices into a couple quarts of water, set the meat to swimmin’ for a few days then it’s ‘this little piggy comes home’ time.

Will you save money by curing your own ham? I can honestly say no. And yes.
No, you’ll not save money if you’re comparing the price against consumer-grade chopped and formed ‘ham and water product’ hams. Yeah, I actually saw that label on a “ham” at the market. 12% water content, said water costs you about three bucks a pound. Do the math, Bucky, that’s $24 a pound. That’s why we use gasoline in our cars and not ham juice. But when you consider quality and provenance then YES, you are saving money. You will not find ham of this quality at any price. This is premium ham. You choose the cut, you choose the amount of spices and seasonings and you choose the kind of smoke (or choose not). And you know exactly where it came from and what’s in it. Commercial hams bob cheek by jowl in giant impersonal stainless steel troughs in an industrial fluid of unknown composition. It’s like a swimming pool for pigs, a real crowded one. The little hams we’ll be making here will be no more than two or three at a time, more like a hot tub for hams.

It’s time to cut the gabbing and make us some ham! The ingredients are simple and I ain’t gonna be telling you to use all kinds of pretentious bullshit like hand-rubbed sea salt and high altitude sugar from the hinterlands of Peru. Use whatever salt you like or have on hand. Iodized is just fine. I’ve used it without incident. I like to use kosher salt myself but you can go with any kind of salt you like. Ditto for the rest of everything.
Do it like this:

Your Own Damn Ham

2 quarts of water
3/4 cup of salt
1 cup of sugar
1 Tbsp of curing salts (cure #1, not #2)
1/4 cup brown sugar
-OPTIONAL-
1/4 cup of molasses
1 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp ground cumin
7 to 10 whole cloves

WTF are curing salts? They’re a blend of sodium nitrite and sea salt and it’s bright pink. You can find it on eBay, we buy it two pounds at a time and it’s cheap. Ten bucks worth will keep you in ham for a year or two. Be sure not to get #2 curing salts. That’s sodium nitrate and is made for dry curing meats like salami.
And don’t worry about nitrites and health. You get more nitrites from a serving of celery than a serving of bacon. That’s why they use celery juice in so called “uncured” bacon. Guess what, folks, you’ve been buying cured bacon and paying extra for a fiction.
Got a 2-gallon bucket? Find one at a hardware store or hit up a restaurant supply place in your town for an NSF certified 2-gallon bucket.

Directions:
Stir everything together in the bucket.
Place your pork shoulder, sirloin roast, tenderloin, or other cut(s) of pork into the brine.
Put it in the fridge.
Rearrange the hams once a day so the parts up against the bucket face the other way. We’re trying to get all the surfaces exposed over the next few days.
After five days, pull ’em out! If you want a strong ham flavor then go to the next step. If you want it a bit less salty then fill the bucket with fresh water and let ’em sit in the fridge for an extra day.

Now let’s cook it!
We’ve got a choice, smoked or not smoked.
If you don’t have a smoker it’s no problem, my first few weren’t smoked and I even rubbed liquid smoke on one and it was just fine.
For those of you without a smoker: rinse the ham then dry it with a towel. Wrap the ham in two layers of aluminum foil. You want it as sealed as possible but not touching the top else the juices will squirt out of the foil. It’ll keep it moister PLUS you get all the ham juice that cooks out. More on that later.
Put it in a 225F oven and go do something else for 2-1/2 to 3 hours or whatever it takes to bring it to 165F inside the thickest part.
I’ve let mine go for 12 hours at 200f and I’d swear it was a country ham, firm and dryer than your run of the mill ham.
Next, eat it. You’re done.

I only have a cold smoker, a Big Chief front-loader donated to FoxfurAmused by a reader, but it gives ham a smoked flavor indistinguishable from a hot-smoked ham. I put it in and smoke it with 2 pans of alder or applewood. Use whatever tickles your tastebuds. After cold smoking pop the ham into the oven following the directions above.
You can make a cold smoker using nothing more than a soup can full of smoker wood chips with a soldering iron shoved into it and covered with a cardboard box.
If you have a hot smoker then you already know how to cook a ham. Go to smokingmeatforums.com for tips if you don’t.

Now get on eBay or Amazon and order up some cure #1 curing salts and a bucket and make some ham! It’s even easier than it seems.

A few last things.
Seasonings, use ’em! I typically use cumin, ground dried ginger and cloves. The last one I made had rosemary, coriander, and maple syrup, fu*king fantastic! There’s two curing in the fridge as we speak swimming around with star anise, cloves, and dried allspice berries, crushed. I suppose you could use fresh ginger but I prefer the stronger flavor of the dried stuff and I think you will too. You can use pickling spice like a boiled ham or use none at all and taste a naked ham.

Ham Juice! The juices that cook out will be sealed up in the foil. DO NOT waste the juice! Make up a batch of split pea soup (recipe on this blog, just use the search) and substitute part of the water with it. Then make up a pan of my simple cornbread (it’s on my blog as well) and shove it all into your mouth at once.

This is simple, folks! If there’s something you lack besides curing salts, make it up as you go along. So long as it’s cured with the salts and cooked, you’re just fine.
Get creative with it and please do post your results in the comments, you might just give me a new idea.

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This is a 6lb shoulder I think. I just look for the sexiest piece of pork, one that has a bit of fat but you can go as lean as you like. Fat makes a moister ham with a mouthfeel like no other. Go ahead and do a tiny ham your first time, a 2-3lb roast works great!

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Porky getting ready to swim…

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Splashdown!

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It’s like an aquarium for meat!

6lb roast ham done

Yeah, you can do this!

bigass ham slices

Ham fat is the best fat known. These marbled pieces went on some homemade french bread with alder smoked aged Tillamook extra sharp cheddar and some Beaver honey mustard.

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Mouth-ready meat.