I am constantly amazed by the ignorance and gullibility I see displayed by the general public. It dissapoints me to know that so many otherwise mediocre citizens of the world get most of their facts from Facebook and The Onion and never stop to critically examine them for truthiness. Therefore, as a public service, I offer to you these little known facts about the American institution of Thanksgiving Day.
The roots of Thanksgiving Day
The most common misconception about our day of thankiness is that it is based on the providence of Indians. Nothing could be further from the truth. Were this to be true then we most certainly would be sitting down to a meal of tandoori chicken, curried lentils, yogurt, and naan bread. It is a generally accepted fact that people from India did not come to America until long after the original settlers.
The origins of turkeys: Past and present
While the first turkeys *may* have been provided to settlers by Native Americans, the turkeys that we eat in modern times are products of Santa’s rage. So great is his boundless fury and his monomaniacal campaign to rule the holiday season that it whips the old man into a killing frenzy each fall. Early in September, typically in a drunken stupor, though there are rumors that the Jolly One now has an addiction to bath salts (google it), Santa mounts his sleigh of doom and zips around our great nation mercilessly slaying the fat and dumb flightless birds that have come to symbolize our day of greatfulishiness.
Let me be perfectly clear about this: Turkey Spam is an abomination. As much as I love Spam (see my post, I Am Spam) I will not suffer Turkey Spam. It should be illegal.
The glaring absence of Thanksgiving Day in foreign countries
The reason is simple: Foreigners are unamerican. A thankless and ungrateful lot they are which is astonishing in light of their gorging themselves on our foreign aid dollars and really neato weapons. As further proof of their lack of patriotism I submit the fact that they do not participate in our Fourth of July (otherwise known as Independence Day) festivities. This shortcoming is made all the more baffling by their dependence upon government subsidized pensions and overabundance of paid holidays.
Why Native Americans do not celebrate Thanksgiving Day
Would you be thankful for government cheese, lard, and flour? I didn’t think so.
The turkey and touching of ones junk
Turkey contains large amounts of the organic tranquilizer tryptophan which is largely responsible for post-dinner stupor and slumber. Nowadays most turkeys are fed hormones. These hormones are fed to them in order to promote not growth but randiness. These hormones, once eaten by human males, combined with copious amounts of likker are likely the reason that men’s hands often wander south of the belt line while sleeping off dinner. As yet this is only a causal connection. I have submitted several grant proposals to our nation’s scientific institutes to fund applied research in this area.
The eating of the mascot
Thanksgiving is the only holiday in which the eating of the mascot is practiced. Do we eat black cats for Halloween? Do we eat rabbits for Easter? Do we eat parents on Mothers / Fathers Day? No. No we do not. Although a roast leg of Santa would more than likely be a delicious, albeit high fat, treat, we do not eat grumpy old men for Christmas.
Eating of our national symbol?
The turkey, as proposed by Benjamin Franklin, was almost selected as the representative symbol of our great nation. Can you imagine Santa trying to slay bald eagles to grace our tables with? With their amazing powers of flight, not to mention possession of stabby little claws and sharp beaks, Santa would be torn to pieces trying to wrangle them.
Besides, a typical bald eagle doesn’t feed many. 25 pound eagles would present quite a threat to civil aviation were our skies to be filled with them.
Please consider printing this post as a factsheet to share with family, friends, and neighbors.
I wish you and yours the happiest of Thanksgivings and look forward to providing you with the truth about Christmas in the coming weeks.