Tag Archives: unconditional love

Bi and married? How the hell is that working out for you?

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 I’ve been reading “Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World”. There are a number of stories in there that I can identify with and that validate my, as well as my wifes’, feelings on a healthy and open marriage.
I’ve received a number of concerned comments from friends on our arrangement that have questioned the wisdom of our decision. I understand these concerns. We have an uncommon situation. We’ve been married for fourteen years, most of them quite happily.
Here are some passages that resonate with me.
From Nanna A. Mansa:
“Can a bisexual woman be married to a man and still have female lovers without turning her life into a total mess? Many of my friends don’t understand our marriage and way of life, but my husband and I agree that I should have my cake and eat it too, without guilt.”

“I met my husband 4 1/2 years ago and we married last year. When we met I wasn’t aware of my bisexuality – that came later. Before I came out, I would look into the mirror and wonder whether the person in there was me or somebody else… I had a long period where I felt lost and everything seemed wrong.”

“My husband respects my bisexuality. He says he loves me for who I am, and I wouldn’t be the same person if I weren’t bisexual.”

“I love my husband deeply. He is the love of my life and my foundation.”

From Koen Brand:
“Over the years I have occasionally felt sexual attraction toward other men. I never acted on it. My wife knew about it, Because I had told her. So it was my wife who gave voice to my same-sex attractions, which I had denied even to myself until that moment. After talking with Annette I decided that I had to integrate that side of myself into our lives. I love my wife dearly for bringing up a subject that brought into her life a lot of uncertainty about the future.”

“Ignoring my bisexuality had been hard on me. Accepting this change was a challenge.”

“In the past five years we have opened our marriage. My first boyfriend was another bisexual married man, and we dated with the consent of our wives.”

“To us monogamy was not the most important issue. Staying married was far more important because we have such a good life together. We have helped each other to grow. We have a strong emotional and sexual bond that we want to preserve.”

“Our road is not a conventional one. But for us it works. From the beginning we have stated that we chose to go on together and handle this change in our relationship as something to integrate in our marriage and not as a reason to split up. I must say that I did not get negative reactions on that, although my wife still hears from others that they don’t understand her agreement to my having male friends.”

“When I look at the situations of other people I have met, it seems we have been able to make a quick and relatively smooth transition. Annette is comfortable with my bisexuality, and the past five years have brought us even closer than before.”

Seeing other husbands and wives who’ve accepted and embraced their partner’s bisexuality gives me hope. Not just for me but for others who are not there yet. I was afraid, though only a little, that my revelation would blow our family apart. I knew my wife was a very accepting person but had no idea of just how deep and caring she would be. She has shown me how secure she is in our relationship and how deeply she loves me by her willingness to share. She does not believe the commonly held assumption that my sharing my love with others will leave her in a deficit condition. She realizes that there is enough love within me to have more than enough to share with me. Her acceptance has allowed our love to multiply, has deepened our bond. It has allowed me to realize my feelings as a constructive addition to our union. She is an amazing woman and I am so very fortunate to have her as my wife. I could never have imagined this arrangement ten years ago. I don’t know where my life will lead me in the next ten years but I am confident that we will be together, in love and life.

I hope other couples can look at our example, our life together, and realize that feelings for others do not have to threaten feelings for each other.

Take it one step at a time and work with each other. It is possible.

Disabled Relationships

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Today is Sweetpea’s 40th birthday. We were planning to go to a rock and gem show, to a lunch at a Japanese restaurant that we’ve not been to together in years, and then I planned to surprise her with a new car. This morning started off quite well. Her pain level was at a “dull roar” as she put it. I was very excited as that is sometimes a good sign that we will make it out the door together. As the morning went on I could tell that her pain was increasing by a number of signs. The amount of time she was able to move around without sitting to rest, the length of her shower, the length of her sentences or the timbre of her voice. Truthfully, I knew that it was most likely that we would not make it out today. But I had the hope that we would. As it turned out, she did not feel well enough to leave the house today.

13 years ago, less than a year after we were married, a careless driver in a large truck made a stupid decision that resulted in a broken neck, a spinal injury, a twisted back, a dislocated shoulder and various other smaller injuries. It robbed of her health and vitality and took from us all of the plans we had made for our future together. It took away the body that she had so proudly trained and disciplined in the United States Army. It took away choices that should have been ours to make. It changed both of our lives in a way that we had never imagined possible when we stood together in the rose garden under a blue sky, daffodils and trees in bloom, and pledged our love and lives to one another.

She suggested that I go out and enjoy the beautiful weather that we are fortunate enough to have today. She suggested that I perhaps go to my favorite spot in the park near our library and watch the ducks, watch the people, or sit and type on the notebook. She said that she would be fine curled up with her book and our kitty by her side. 

The park is beautiful today. The ducks are up to their usual ducky activities. The violets, pansies, ans alyssum are beaming at every passerby. The people are walking and talking, sitting and running doing their thing. At this very moment two ducks are busy making baby ducks less than fifty feet away(!). Of all this I am glad. I only wish that she were well enough to sit beside me and take all of this beauty in together. Her limitations are something that I have no control over and that is a very frustrating situation for one who can repair almost anything that almost anyone can break. She is the one intricate machine that I have no skills to restore of perfect. Acceptance of this, of her condition, of the limitations that it places upon our relationship, is a difficult proposition. Acceptance has been gradual over the past years and is a progressive process that cannot be accelerated or hurried. It is not always a forward and linear process. It will see ups and downs, progress and recess, but it does continue.

We are entirely dependent upon each other. She on me for emotional, physical, and financial support. I on her for strength and purpose. I am so very glad that that I can be here for her. in fact I am happy that I able to do so. I cannot imagine her on her own trying to deal with a life disarranged by chance and circumstance. We do the best we can with what we have. As she reminds me, it could have been worse. She is not paralyzed. She is not dead. We still have each other and she is my world. She is the reason I get up every morning. She is the reason that I do not give in to despair. She and her outlook are the reasons I keep on going.

She heals me.

It could always be worse...