Tag Archives: Sexuality

I’d Rather Not Be Having Sex…

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I recently met someone on an online dating site (OK Cupid) who is just as rad, if not radder(?), than me!

We’ve been out a couple of times in the last week and have had a great time getting to know each other. We share an incredible amount of interests and views on issues that are important to us. Sushi, cats, the love of bacon and steaks, the ability to hold views on both sides of the political spectrum, guns, the sciences, art, meaningful conversation, etc.

One of the most important aspects that we also agree on is that of sex. Sex has never really been a big deal to me. That view has caused me more trouble in relationships than anything else. I’ve been ridiculed and humiliated by both sexes for my having assigned a low importance to it. To me, it is not the be all end all of a relationship. It does not define a relationship for me and does not indicate loving a person any less. This is very frustrating to most people and especially so to people I’ve met in the LGBTQ community. It’s as though they assume that because I identify as a bisexual man that I should automatically drop my pants for anyone who is gay or bi. This has been the almost universal response to my saying that I am bi when meeting someone of a similar persuasion. While it is quite flattering to be seen as desirable, it is maddening to be seen purely as a sex object. I feel it to be very presumptuous and a bit dehumanizing to be seen for my genitalia or my orifices instead of being seen as a whole person. Hey! I’m not just a pretty face with a dick! There are so many other parts of me that can and should be valued first and are far more interesting and unique than something that every other male on the planet has.

It turns out that both of us had been nervous about telling the other that this was an issue. We’d been worrying about stating that just wanting to be friends would lead to rejection. It’s not that he’s lacking in the looks department, far from it. He’s hot as hell and covered in awesomesauce, very, very sexy in both mind and body. We accidentally found out that we shared this view when we were texting last night. You could hear our relief in bold letters.

I look forward to the next time we get together. I think we’ll both be more at ease now that we’re on the same page.

Adventures in Wonderland

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I received an invitation from a friend to attend the (unspecified city’s name) Leather Alliance vendors fair with her and her husband. The Leather Alliance is a regional BDSM association. My friend used to be very involved in the BDSM scene when she lived in this city. I’d never have guessed this. I immediately agreed to go. It sounded like fun and I’ve been curious about the scene since I recently found out that Sweetpea (my wife) has been reading erotic BDSM fiction for the last five years totally unbeknownst to me. She disabused me of many notions that I had on the subject. I had always assumed that there was dark sadism and cruelty involved and that the submissive partner was talked into it with fear and trepidation. I was completely wrong. Instead, it is a mutual agreement, indeed a contract, with negotiated terms of limits and boundaries that involves trust with a great deal of responsibility upon the dominant partner to care for the submissive and respect those boundaries. It is a power exchange with each getting what they need from each other. She had encouraged me to investigate and judge for myself this community as she thought it might be interesting to me. Due to my multidisciplinary skill sets (metalworking and machining, welding, woodworking, plasticworking, etc.), I’ve been fascinated with the hardware side of the scene and stated in the past that I wish I was into this kind of thing as I felt that I could make some pretty fine and interesting implements with which to participate.

The fair was a real eye opener for me. The attendees were everyday people, our neighbors. There were school teachers, doctors, blue collars, white collars, auto mechanics and executives. All ages were represented from early twenties to mid seventies. While there were some chiseled gym bunnies, most were of average body types. There was a surprising lack of multi-pierced and heavily inked goths. 

The wares exhibited ranged from padded leather restraint cuffs to needles, riding crops to rubber articles, soft leather flogs to glass dildos on leather harnesses. There were paddles made from beautiful laminated woods, hand forged aluminum, and machined stainless steel. Most amazing of all, to me, was the fact that 90% or more of the items at the thirty or so tables were handcrafted by the people selling them. I saw only a very few mass-produced items. Both the vendors and buyers were relaxed and easy-going with a surprisingly low number of people putting on false airs of superiority. There were smiles and laughs, handshakes and hugs, genuine displays of affection for close friends and exclamations of delight at the appearance of dear friends long unseen. These were people attending just another arts and crafts show.

The admission was a mere three dollars. The articles available for purchase were quite modestly priced and affordable by nearly anyone’s measure. The feeling I had was that they wanted everyone to be able to play with toys. This is not to say there were no extravagant items commanding higher prices. Those items were expertly crafted using fine materials and displayed proudly by their makers. One that caught my eye was an elaborate bullwhip braided from three colors of tanned and dyed kangaroo hide. I wouldn’t prefer to be on either end of it but I greatly admired the craftsmanship of that incredible work of art.

I was informed that there would be a “play party” later that evening in the very same halls that we were in. I was very hesitant about going to it at first, but, as time went by and I met so many genuinely nice people, I was warming to the idea. Bear in mind that this was a completely new experience for me. I’d never been to anything remotely like this fair let alone an event such as the coming party, pun intended. By the end of the fair I not only decided to purchase a ticket, twenty dollars, but to also buy a membership, ten dollars. By doing so I also received a five dollar discount on the ticket.

I’m house sitting some forty miles from home and didn’t have a thing to wear to the night’s coming affair. I quickly remedied that by stopping at a Goodwill superstore on the way home. For a mere thirty bucks I secured a fantastic pair of tight low-cut hiphugger jeans, a nice collared shirt, a sharp looking double buckled leather belt, and a pair of modest low top leather shoes, all in black. I’ve never thought I looked great in black but I was looking pretty good if I don’t say so myself.

Earlier in the day I was concerned that I’d chicken out at the last moment. Though increasingly interested in going, after getting the new duds I was eagerly anticipating the evening’s event. My friends arrived right on time to pick me up and we arrived at the venue some fifteen minutes after the party had started. Again was I impressed by the appearance of everyday folk that were making their way towards the doors of the hall. Upon entry I realized that I had forgotten my ticket! Fortunately my friend knew the president of the association. Told of my misfortune, the woman looked at me and shook her head in a mock disgusted manner with a twinkle in her eye and a grin that said “I am so going to have to put you over my knee…”. She then graciously gave a nod to the gentleman at the admission table and I was allowed to proceed.

My mind was immediately blown as I entered the main eighty by forty-foot hall. There were padded benches, a ten by ten two-sided A-frame cargo net fixture, wooden racks, large X shaped St. Andrews crosses, and suspension frames with almost every one of the devices occupied by people truly enjoying the attentions of their doms. The subs were emitting sighs, groans, yelps, and giddy squeals of pleasure! Giggling and outright bubbly laughter were not at all uncommon. Well I’ll be damned. There was a genuine atmosphere of liberation and satisfaction suffusing the hall.

Spectating and observation were not only tolerated but were encouraged. One was able to watch the participants without embarrassment or shame and I didn’t once feel shock or revulsion at any time during the nearly five hours that I was there. A few displays of exchange were stunning but not at all intimidating.

Amongst some of the more notable displays observed was a woman trussed with soft rope and suspended from an overhead frame by six supporting ropes. The ropework and knots were done very artistically by what I could tell was a very experienced dom. The woman was clearly enjoying herself without humiliation or pain. It was obvious that she was comfortable in her bound and suspended state. I learned that if circulation was restricted and body parts were falling asleep then they were “doing it wrong”. She was allowed a surprising degree of freedom of movement as she hovered three or four feet above the floor. Her dom was by her side the entire time attending to her needs. Several times I heard yelps immediately followed by giggles. Though bound and confined, she was in exactly the place she wanted to be. I’ll never forget the broad smile and gleam in her eyes after being lowered and unbound. She radiated an enjoyment that was infectious.

Another act was of something I’d only seen in seedy videos on the internet. A man was tenderly inserting a gloved fist into a wonderfully relaxed woman’s vagina. Most of the fisting I’ve seen in videos has appeared as hostile and almost violent. It looks like a punching of the guts from the inside. This display was gentle and indeed loving. Surprisingly, it did not come across as sexual to me. I cannot fully explain this. The connection of the two was readily apparent and inspiring. It was a thing of beauty. Really. I’d never have guessed that my reaction would be thus but there it is.

One last act, of many that I observed and relate to you here, was of a very strong and handsome gentleman being flogged by an equally strong and beautiful woman. The flog was of leather with the tassels being about two feet long and 1/2 to 3/4 of an inch wide. They were made of a rather soft leather and no more that 1/16th of an inch in thickness. Quite contrary to my expectation, the sound of the impact was a dull thud instead of a sharp crack. The surface area of the tassels, numbering around fifty, spread the impact. While there was a slight amount of redness on his back, there were no red stripes and neither was there any blood. Though she was wielding the flog with two hands and had a windup that would make an MLB batter jealous, it was obvious that she was eminently capable and operated with great skill and finesse. I can honestly say that I would have no fear of being on the receiving end of her ministrations so well were they done.

The tenderness expressed by the dom to the sub after a scene was impressive and somewhat unexpected by me. Commonly it was shown by the cradling and caressing of the sub and accompanied by soft words whispered to him or her. occasionally the dom would gently wrap their sub with a blanket and with an arm on or under the shoulder accompany the person to a side room where they could relax and unwind with a glass of water and the company of others. Several times I saw a person who had just finished staggering in a blissful state of endorphin induced intoxication. The pleasure of this state was written on their face and very evident in their body language.

One more aspect of the community that I found heartening was the representation of all body types. People in various states of undress were comfortable enough and secure enough to be observed by not only their friends but by complete strangers such as myself. My admiration for them is great and it gives me a new perspective on my self consciousness. The willingness of participants to avail themselves of such freedom without shame is heartening and encouraging and serves to challenge my cynical notions of a society ruled by body conscious shame.

I say with no reservation that I was greatly impressed with what I saw. Though previously corrected of many erroneous assumptions by Sweetpea, I was educated by the displays of strength, endurance, tenderness, and love that I observed last night. From what I saw, I can honestly say that it was beautifully done and that it is likely that I could actually participate in such activities in the future, though to what extent I am not exactly sure of at this time. It was clearly demonstrated to me that the scene lacks the cruelty that one would understandably assume accompanies such activities. The fact that 200 plus people can gather together in a drug and alcohol free environment and share these experiences with each other is nothing short of incredible.

Thrift store threads

Bi and married? How the hell is that working out for you?

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 I’ve been reading “Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World”. There are a number of stories in there that I can identify with and that validate my, as well as my wifes’, feelings on a healthy and open marriage.
I’ve received a number of concerned comments from friends on our arrangement that have questioned the wisdom of our decision. I understand these concerns. We have an uncommon situation. We’ve been married for fourteen years, most of them quite happily.
Here are some passages that resonate with me.
From Nanna A. Mansa:
“Can a bisexual woman be married to a man and still have female lovers without turning her life into a total mess? Many of my friends don’t understand our marriage and way of life, but my husband and I agree that I should have my cake and eat it too, without guilt.”

“I met my husband 4 1/2 years ago and we married last year. When we met I wasn’t aware of my bisexuality – that came later. Before I came out, I would look into the mirror and wonder whether the person in there was me or somebody else… I had a long period where I felt lost and everything seemed wrong.”

“My husband respects my bisexuality. He says he loves me for who I am, and I wouldn’t be the same person if I weren’t bisexual.”

“I love my husband deeply. He is the love of my life and my foundation.”

From Koen Brand:
“Over the years I have occasionally felt sexual attraction toward other men. I never acted on it. My wife knew about it, Because I had told her. So it was my wife who gave voice to my same-sex attractions, which I had denied even to myself until that moment. After talking with Annette I decided that I had to integrate that side of myself into our lives. I love my wife dearly for bringing up a subject that brought into her life a lot of uncertainty about the future.”

“Ignoring my bisexuality had been hard on me. Accepting this change was a challenge.”

“In the past five years we have opened our marriage. My first boyfriend was another bisexual married man, and we dated with the consent of our wives.”

“To us monogamy was not the most important issue. Staying married was far more important because we have such a good life together. We have helped each other to grow. We have a strong emotional and sexual bond that we want to preserve.”

“Our road is not a conventional one. But for us it works. From the beginning we have stated that we chose to go on together and handle this change in our relationship as something to integrate in our marriage and not as a reason to split up. I must say that I did not get negative reactions on that, although my wife still hears from others that they don’t understand her agreement to my having male friends.”

“When I look at the situations of other people I have met, it seems we have been able to make a quick and relatively smooth transition. Annette is comfortable with my bisexuality, and the past five years have brought us even closer than before.”

Seeing other husbands and wives who’ve accepted and embraced their partner’s bisexuality gives me hope. Not just for me but for others who are not there yet. I was afraid, though only a little, that my revelation would blow our family apart. I knew my wife was a very accepting person but had no idea of just how deep and caring she would be. She has shown me how secure she is in our relationship and how deeply she loves me by her willingness to share. She does not believe the commonly held assumption that my sharing my love with others will leave her in a deficit condition. She realizes that there is enough love within me to have more than enough to share with me. Her acceptance has allowed our love to multiply, has deepened our bond. It has allowed me to realize my feelings as a constructive addition to our union. She is an amazing woman and I am so very fortunate to have her as my wife. I could never have imagined this arrangement ten years ago. I don’t know where my life will lead me in the next ten years but I am confident that we will be together, in love and life.

I hope other couples can look at our example, our life together, and realize that feelings for others do not have to threaten feelings for each other.

Take it one step at a time and work with each other. It is possible.

Just because you can doesn’t mean you have to

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I found a great blogger who’s blog is a great source of information for “hardware interface” issues as well as physical boundaries and limits. Just as with het sex, you’re allowed to Just Say No to that which you don’t want to do. Simple really. Just because you can doesn’t mean you have to.
Be prepared though, campers. KDaddy don’t pull no punches. He addresses issues in a no bullshit way with phrases that would make your grandmother blush, a lot. He’s not vulgar, just explicitly honest. I find it refreshing and have encouraged him to write his book so offline bi’s (and anyone with genitals and the urge to use them) can access his wisdom and humor.
Here’s a post to get you started: http://kdaddy23.wordpress.com/2011/09/16/bi-to-what-degree/ 

The fact that he’s a married bi highlights his attention to detail and boosts his credibility in my book.

The setting of sexual boundaries and limits is of high importance to me personally. I have connected with a friend whom I began admiring on the internet because his writing, both style and substance, showed him to be a person who is really worth knowing. I have always been a more emotional than physical lover, preferring cuddling over jack-hammer loving. I do not intend to change this as I stroll down the other side of the street. My main interest in being with a guy involves a deep emotional connection that goes beyond what is deemed acceptable in the “normal” world. Some might call it soft-core, puppy love, or grade school, but I call it wonderful. I like camping, hiking, conversation, collaborative creation, someone to hand me wrenches or spot me when pulling a transmission out of a truck. Someone to go shooting with and reload the empties with. Someone to cook with, eat with, curl up in front of a fireplace with. Sex is almost beside the point though it will be present in one form or another. Occaisional companionship. A close relationship that features what I value in my marriage but is no longer available due to Sweetpea’s injuries and disabilities after the accident.

Something you will not see Foxfur getting into is anonymous, glory hole, teahouse, roadside rest stop, or drug or alcohol fueled sexcapades. Just won’t happen. Never been like that, don’t plan on changing. I’d throw one night stands in there but you never know… Chances are they’d be few though. Call me old fashioned but I still like the idea of taking it easy, keeping it in your pants, getting to know each other kind of relationships. If I need a quick and easy release, God gave me two wonderful hands to choose from and I know each one’s complete sexual history. Just because I’m attracted to men doesn’t mean my pants will be flying off at the first wink. Bisexuality, in my case, might be called bihumanality as it’s really the human that I’m interested in, not necessarily the sex, at least not immediately. Besides, we still have STD’s / STI’s out there, not something to be taken lightly. Foxfur will always use protection and you should too, straight, gay or bi.

Why don’t I just go get a girlfriend? Valid question.

One, she wouldn’t be a guy. I know, sounds lame but I want what I want. Sue me.

Two, I don’t have explicit permission to do so from Sweetpea. As far as I know, that’s not in the deal. So long as it didn’t involve heavy sex it would probably be ok. BUT, a lady would be competition for Sweetpea. She’s made clear that she does not see a guy as competition. Does that make sense? It does to me.

Besides, I already have many girl-friends. Many who enjoy the activities listed above. When I need alternative female companionship I have an admirable number to choose from who are respectful of my self imposed limitations. Would I like to kiss the girls? Of course I would. I’m a healthy male specimen and love the ladies. But there are so many things in life that we want to do but do not do. When I see an armored car, I’d really like to pull a heist, but alas, I always seem to be able to restrain myself. 

I really don’t regret not pursuing outside relationships with women. I could easily see many domestic problems arising if I were to do so. I’m happy to take things one step at a time. I’m pretty darned happy with Sweetpea and am not looking for a replacement for her. In the other department, I’m looking at building a significant non-exclusive and non-competitive relationship and taking baby steps in doing so. Why rush things?

I’ve got a whole long life ahead of me.

Tend your own garden, please

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As I have come to accept the fact that I am able to love both women and men, I have also come to accept the fact that I am able to love myself. This is possibly the most important lesson learned during my discoveries. The old dictum is absolutely correct. One must love one’s self before one may love another. One of the ways I can tell that I love myself is the absence of the self-abuse which had been a part of my life to one degree or another for nearly four decades. Chemical, physical, psychological, sexual. Substance abuse. Risk taking. Self hate & suicidal ideation. Denial of physical sexuality.
These are gone. I have no longer have a use for them.

—

 
Something else I have realized as of late is the equivalence of caution and judgement.
A few friends have expressed concerns about my well-being and that of my relationship with my wife. I understand your concerns. You need to understand this: Repeated cautions are dangerous to OUR relationship, friends, truly they are. For when you continually voice your opinion that I should do this or shouldn’t do that, these suggestions come across as judgements. When you voice these judgements in a public way, as rejoinders to my words as expressed in a public forum, these judgements tell others that you don’t trust MY judgement. This is not acceptable.
You must bear in mind that Sweetpea and I have had many deep discussions about where I am and where I am going. When I came out to her I truly had no idea what would come next. I had an inkling that now that I knew what and who I was, that that would be enough. The psychic pressure was relieved by the simple knowledge and acceptance of that internally. I had no intention of becoming a practicing bisexual, none at all. My relationship with my wife was paramount and primary. When she not only accepted who I discovered lived inside of me but also encouraged that man to emerge, explore, and enjoy himself, it was almost more than I could believe. She has suggested non-fiction and educational literature that I may want to read to learn more about who I am and what it means. She has offered me some of her favorite gay erotica to read. Yes, HER favorite male-male gay erotic fiction that she has been reading for years unbeknownst to me (this partially explains her easy and open acceptance of my new reality). She has told me of the boundaries she is comfortable with. We have discussed the possible outcomes of my future relationships with men that I intend to become involved with. We have discussed the fact that some of these people may want more of a permanent relationship, one that does not include a wife on my part and how this is unacceptable to both of us. She is the one that equipped me with protection, though I had already done so, before going to Burning Man and encouraged me to explore my friend or others who would be there. She is the one who has told me that it is important that I no longer deny myself that which I have desired for so long. She is the one that has told me that it is important to her that I express and experience myself to the fullest extent to which I feel comfortable. She knows what she is in for and is very aware of what may happen in the future.
Believe me friends, I know the risks that lay ahead of me on this new path, in these new fields, in these new beds that lay before me. Believe me when I say this. Believe. Know that I accept your fears. But also know this: I am deeply involved in my relationship with my wife. I know us. Trust me. I have far more of a vested interest in the continued success of this relationship than you will ever know or will ever imagine. You cannot possibly appreciate the nuances of our relationship just as I do not presume to know them in yours.  I have been blessed with something far beyond acceptance. Permission. While I do need your love, I do not require your permission. That I already have. Continued insistence and continued warnings come across as a subtle but no less corrosive form of intolerance. As a form of distrust and misgiving. Even as a form of jealousy. That you may not accept these, my interpretations of your intentions, is of no matter to me. The matter to me is that you accept me for who I am. Who I am includes my choices and my freedom to make those choices unhindered by your misgivings and worries. The best thing that you can do is to keep these insecurities to yourself. I would not dare to offer you marital advice in a public manner. All I ask is the same consideration from you. I ask this in love, in friendship. If you truly feel that you must administer a warning to me, that you must share your fears of failure with me, please do so in a private communication. To do otherwise is to advertise to the world that you lack confidence in my ability to make decisions for myself without your guidance and input. It not only shows disrespect to me, it shows in a very public way that you discount the wisdom of my wife and elevate your knowledge and judgement above that of hers.
I love you,
Foxfur

Intolerance at my door

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Wow! So soon?

This morning, two christian missionaries knocked on my door and wanted to share some good news and bible revelations with me. I decided to begin our conversation by discussing some of the revelations I’ve had in the past couple of months.

They were more than a little shocked at my story and especially so, visibly so, at Sweetpea’s response to it. They wasted no time in page flipping to quote me chapter and verse of how I was wrong. Of how god hates sinners. They actually said that to my face. God hates sinners. Ouch. That hurt. They suggested that I examine myself and pray for god’s wisdom and correct my evil ways. I informed them that I had examined myself and I was completely comfortable with myself, who I am, and god’s love for me. In fact, I have talked to god about it. He’s totally fine with me and very glad that I have stopped hating myself for what I thought I was and have started loving myself for who I truly am. He has blessed me with a wife who has gone beyond anything I had ever guessed she would and who loves me unconditionally like he does.

They then shared that the gates of hell are open and waiting for me not only for who I am but for blasphemy against god. I was not feeling very uplifted or inspired. Perhaps I was expecting too much from them. What I was expecting was a give and take conversation. A civilized discussion of ideas. Perhaps a bit of understanding. What I received was hate. It was ugly and totally devoid of the love and compassion. To me, it felt like they directly contravened what god has asked his followers to consider and practice. It appeared that they themselves were passing judgement on the spot and all too hastily to have considered what potential damage they might be doing not only to their own credibility but to that of their core mission and focus. I pointed this out to them. They responded that god leads them in all that they do. I responded that it did not appear that they’d asked godand had acted impulsively in passing judgement on me. I asked them if they’d like to take a moment to reflect on that and that we could bow our heads and pray about it together if they wished, heh heh. Their eyes were shooting sparks like that wind-up nun you can buy at Spencer’s. I wasn’t trying to elicit that response. I was trying to give them a moment to consider what kind of impact they were having on me. They had no interest whatsoever in taking a pause to cool off and consider the message that they had just delivered.

Do you know what I really wanted to do to them at that moment. I wanted to hug and let them know that we’re all special in god’s eyes no matter what we do, who we love, or how we choose to express that love. To hug them into submission to the fact that we can all be wrong about things and that it’s ok as long as we don’t hurt others feelings or insult them because they do not agree. To show them that even though we are in complete disagreement on interpretations of what morals and ethics mean that we can still love each other.

Though I wanted to, I did not. It would’ve been a threatening gesture and perhaps insulting one as well. Instead, I related those thoughts verbally. I’m disappointed to report that the reception fell short of what I’d have liked to have seen. I told them that though we disagreed and though they still showed me open hostility that I loved them. That I respected them for opening themselves up to rejection and ridicule from less than understanding souls who might heap grief upon them for sharing their message. That theirs is a decidedly difficult path to walk and must take incredible strength to persevere in the face of such obstacles. I made sure that they understood that I meant this from the bottom of my heart and meant no insincerity or insult. They had cooled somewhat at this point. I asked them if we could agree to disagree and let god sort it out. They really surprised me with small nods. Again, I truly wanted to offer each of them a hug to let them know that I wasn’t angry with them though I had every right to be. Instead, I walked them to their car and wished them safety as they continue their mission deeper into the hills of the hollow up the road. I also told them that I forgave them for their insult to me and my beliefs and those of my wife’s and for committing trespass upon my property. I waved and they actually waved back as the did a seven point turn to turn around and drive back down the mountain.

My apologies to readers expecting snark and venom. That was a choice I had in this encounter. One that was incredibly tempting. God was it tempting. But I decided that the only way to deal with intolerance is acceptance. It was difficult maintaining my cool at times but was a great demonstration to myself that it could not only be done but be done well. I really do hope they will think about how their behavior reflects upon them and what they hope to accomplish. I could have shoveled them a much bigger pile of hate than they served up to me, believe me, I’ve got plenty of surplus from years of hating myself that would have been all too easy to misplace and project. Sometimes we need to do that which we don’t want to do. After we do it we can see why it was a better decision. I feel bad for them and their intolerance. I don’t feel bad about myself though. If I’d have chosen the angry way I’d probably still be shaking with anger. Instead I feel a satisfying calm and tranquility. I like that.

I haven’t been to church in more tha 20 years due to the all too common politics and infighting present in any church. I’m done with having someone filter and interpret information for me. Me and god are still friends. We still talk from time to time. Please don’t waste my time trying to tell me that your church is different. It’s not.

Fighting fire with fire does have its place though. Had these been true haters instead of misguided individuals my response would have been much different. While I carry love in my heart I also carry a .45 automatic on my side. That’s my other savior.

She Knows!

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She now knows.

She knew long ago.

The self deception and hiding is over.

Life 2.0 begins.

Sweetpea has once again amazed me with the depths of her knowledge. After 18 years of faithful companionship, we are now beginning a whole new chapter. She has been ahead of me for so many years but had decided that unless I owned myself then her input could only confuse me and lead me on a path that would not have been mine. Long ago she had known where and who I was. In fact, she knew before we were married that I was capable of loving and had feelings for members of both sexes, though I’ve never acted upon such feelings. Her approach was absolutely correct and I love her more deeply now than I ever believed possible. Any sooner would have been too soon and I would not have been ready.

She has encouraged me to begin my education and exploration independently of her. She does not want to litter my path with her own biases, unintended though they would be, because it is my path alone. Her willingness to go hands-off, her strong belief that trust is key, and her permission to do what I feel I need to do to be truly happy and feel good about and comfortable with myself, is something that I never would have imagined. Nearly four decades of denial, confusion, self abuse, and inner anger over why I had to feel as I did are now over. Instead of fighting a usless inner battle to change what is not changeable, I can now stand down and admit to myself that I was not wrong, sick, or disturbed. It is amazing how societal ‘norms’ caused such inner turmoil and hate for myself.

My dear friend who helped me come to terms with myself simply listened, made no judgements and helped me to feel positive in accepting myself for who I am.

I wrote her a note the following day:

Tonight, for the first time ever, I was able to look in the mirror, meet my own eyes, and honestly say that I love myself.

What seems easy to most was something I could never do. I really had no concept of loving and being comfortable with myself. I did have long periods of happy times, but it always was in the back of my mind that I just wasn’t right, wasn’t ‘normal’. 

I fully realize that there are many who will not accept the decisions we have come to. I can only hope that they will be respectful of my right as a human being to live without their interference or imposition of their views upon me just as I am respectful of them and their beliefs.

I fully realize that there are people out there who would wish to do me physical harm because of who I am. I will do my damned level best to assure my safety by whatever means necessary, including the use of deadly force if warranted. I will not be a passive victim, I will not go down without one hell of a fight. I am determined to defend myself so that I may continue to live and breathe, so that I may continue to provide for and protect my wife, and so that I may continue to develop as a newly realized and healthy person.

Is this new outlook scary? Sure. Intimidating? Of course. Exciting? Absolutely.
 
I have a whole new understanding of open relationships. I assured Sweetpea that I have no intention of leaving her at any point. Her condition, disabled in an auto accident 13 years ago (10 months after we married), would never permit me to do so. I simply could not live with myself in abandoning her. She needs me and I need her every bit as much. Our original deep and abiding love is not threatened and only grows stronger with trust.

She’s told me that what she desperately wants is for me to find what I need to feel fulfilled. That all she ever wants is for me to feel happy with myself and to love myself. Whatever that takes. I asked if we could set some boundaries together. She felt that it would be inappropriate for her to participate in setting boundaries and that I should follow my heart. Wow… What an amazing woman I have the fortune to be with! 

I stand amazed.

I love you Sweetpea.