I’ve been reading “Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World”. There are a number of stories in there that I can identify with and that validate my, as well as my wifes’, feelings on a healthy and open marriage.
I’ve received a number of concerned comments from friends on our arrangement that have questioned the wisdom of our decision. I understand these concerns. We have an uncommon situation. We’ve been married for fourteen years, most of them quite happily.
Here are some passages that resonate with me.
From Nanna A. Mansa:
“Can a bisexual woman be married to a man and still have female lovers without turning her life into a total mess? Many of my friends don’t understand our marriage and way of life, but my husband and I agree that I should have my cake and eat it too, without guilt.”
“I met my husband 4 1/2 years ago and we married last year. When we met I wasn’t aware of my bisexuality – that came later. Before I came out, I would look into the mirror and wonder whether the person in there was me or somebody else… I had a long period where I felt lost and everything seemed wrong.”
“My husband respects my bisexuality. He says he loves me for who I am, and I wouldn’t be the same person if I weren’t bisexual.”
“I love my husband deeply. He is the love of my life and my foundation.”
From Koen Brand:
“Over the years I have occasionally felt sexual attraction toward other men. I never acted on it. My wife knew about it, Because I had told her. So it was my wife who gave voice to my same-sex attractions, which I had denied even to myself until that moment. After talking with Annette I decided that I had to integrate that side of myself into our lives. I love my wife dearly for bringing up a subject that brought into her life a lot of uncertainty about the future.”
“Ignoring my bisexuality had been hard on me. Accepting this change was a challenge.”
“In the past five years we have opened our marriage. My first boyfriend was another bisexual married man, and we dated with the consent of our wives.”
“To us monogamy was not the most important issue. Staying married was far more important because we have such a good life together. We have helped each other to grow. We have a strong emotional and sexual bond that we want to preserve.”
“Our road is not a conventional one. But for us it works. From the beginning we have stated that we chose to go on together and handle this change in our relationship as something to integrate in our marriage and not as a reason to split up. I must say that I did not get negative reactions on that, although my wife still hears from others that they don’t understand her agreement to my having male friends.”
“When I look at the situations of other people I have met, it seems we have been able to make a quick and relatively smooth transition. Annette is comfortable with my bisexuality, and the past five years have brought us even closer than before.”
Seeing other husbands and wives who’ve accepted and embraced their partner’s bisexuality gives me hope. Not just for me but for others who are not there yet. I was afraid, though only a little, that my revelation would blow our family apart. I knew my wife was a very accepting person but had no idea of just how deep and caring she would be. She has shown me how secure she is in our relationship and how deeply she loves me by her willingness to share. She does not believe the commonly held assumption that my sharing my love with others will leave her in a deficit condition. She realizes that there is enough love within me to have more than enough to share with me. Her acceptance has allowed our love to multiply, has deepened our bond. It has allowed me to realize my feelings as a constructive addition to our union. She is an amazing woman and I am so very fortunate to have her as my wife. I could never have imagined this arrangement ten years ago. I don’t know where my life will lead me in the next ten years but I am confident that we will be together, in love and life.
I hope other couples can look at our example, our life together, and realize that feelings for others do not have to threaten feelings for each other.
Take it one step at a time and work with each other. It is possible.
