Tag Archives: Open Relationships

Big Love with an Old Flame

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It seems like only yesterday, but I fell in love with her many years ago. Our relationship has been on and off over the years. It wasn’t her, it was me. You know how it is, sometimes life gets in the way. My priorities got confused and at times I even forgot her. When I first discovered her she was hot, real hot. As with many relationships it mellowed as I got used to her initially overpowering presence. I began to see her as more sweet than hot, not that she minded. She’s always had good taste but the nature of it changes, always for the better though. And I absolutely love her body! Silky, smooth, salty, fragrant, and with a reddish complexion that truly defines her.

I met another saucy individual in the last twelve months, Frank. Initially he appeared hot, I’m talking red hot. But you know the old saw about books and covers, eh? Yeah, I’m subject to falling for it, building something up and being disappointed by the end result. Frank appeared to be red hot, I mean he had it written all over him, really. My first experience with him was lukewarm at best. Not too hot. He just didn’t taste like I thought he would. He’s really sweet but I was expecting more character from him. It was my own fault. At least I didn’t have much invested in him. He was pretty cheap, all things considered, but his sweet and salty taste is appealing nevertheless. I still keep him on the side as he can provide me with pleasures that my old flame cannot. Their bodies are totally different. I cannot realistically expect him to deliver the satisfaction to me that she does and vice versa.

I am thankful that the person that I am is able to love blindly. I do not discriminate by appearances and if I fall in love it’s just that, love. Love allows one to challenge assumptions, to open their mind, to accept differences, and to follow their heart no matter what others opinions are. If someone disapproves of my idea of love or how I choose to express it, it’s on them, not me. My love is fluid. It doesn’t matter where it comes from as long as it’s hot. I know it turns some folks off completely, but hey, you don’t have to engage in my kind of love if it makes you uncomfortable. Some cannot believe the ease with which I practice my love. Others believe it takes great bravery. A few even see it as masochistic, exposing myself to pain unnecessarily. They just don’t get it. They could easily do it if they simply let go of prejudicial notions that they’ve grown up with.

Back to my old flame. I’ve been seeing her pretty regularly for the past few years. Quality is said to be better than quantity but I beg to differ. I really needed to see more of her. That has proved difficult. She is, how do I say this, rather expensive. Yeah, I pay for it. There’s no shame in it. Neither of us feel cheapened by it. It is a mutually consenting business transaction after all. I pay for her and she satisfies me and my needs. She is totally unique in the world. I’ve been around the country many times and have yet to find another so satisfying to me. If you want the best you’re going to have to pay for it.

Last week I told my wife that I had to see more of this old flame. She rolled her eyes and asked why I needed more of her than I already had. I told her that I need what I need and that it’s difficult for me to articulate those needs. Sweetpea doesn’t care for her but she doesn’t mind if I have her in the house. I also spend quite a bit of time with the old flame out in the travel trailer where things can get really hot without bringing tears to Sweetpea’s eyes. So I decided to head into town to see if I could get a bigger helping of her. I should state here that I’m a honorable man. Sometimes I’ll pick her up in a restaurant and use her but I always leave her there. Others love her and I don’t feel right in taking her home in situations like that. It’s just not right. But in this case I was going to find her in a new location and I was prepared to lay down good money to take her home. Again, with my wife’s understanding and support.

I drove to the big city and went to a district where I thought I might be able to locate her. My hunch turned out to be correct! I saw her, money changed hands, I brought her to my rig, got her comfortably settled in the back seat and headed for home. Several times I looked over my shoulder to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. No sir! She was as real as real gets. She was much bigger than I’d ever seen her but that’s a turn on and very appealing.

I finally arrived home and opened the truck’s rear door. I picked her up and carried her into the house. I set her down in the kitchen and just couldn’t help myself. I started in on her right there while my wife slept just yards away. After we had some sloppy fun I decided it was time to wake Sweetpea and show her my old flame. When she walked into the kitchen she gasped. Then she giggled. She was amazed at how big my old flame was. I still hadn’t gotten over that myself. Sweetpea asked if I was happy and I sighed and agreed that I was. I didn’t really think Sweetpea would mind but with these things you just never know. Even though she said it was ok beforehand, I was still nervous that she might be upset. It was mainly the money that I thought she’d mind. Once I told her how much it cost me she was totally cool with it! She told me it was better to pay the price I had rather than to pay for it in smaller amounts for briefer encounters that never seemed to last. She was excited for me that I would not have to pay for it for some time to come. She headed back to bed and told me to have fun.

My old flame...

Family Outings

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Hey!
I forgot to tell y’all.
I came out to my mom and brother last Thursday!
I was planning on doing it in person but my brother left a message saying he knew exactly what was up after I sent them an email letting them know I’d be down next month with some big news.
So I called and talked to mom. Turns out they’d figured out something else entirely different! Bro had figured out that I’d taken up romantically with my long time friend, Miss Bee, and formed a triad with her and Sweetpea. Mom figured that I’d taken up with her and was planning to leave Sweetpea!
Mom and bro have known her as long as I have ever since I brought her home some 25 years ago and they love her as much as I do. We were very close then and have been since we reconnected three years ago. Actually, our friendship has grown closer since I came out to her and also since she left a dysfunctional long-term relationship. She’s the sister I never had and she thinks of me as the brother she never had. We’ve never so much as kissed. We simply offer each other genuine friendship, support, and counsel.

I told mom what my big news was before she told me what they’d come up with. I mentioned it pretty casually since I thought they knew. Since it wasn’t even close, she was quite surprised and taken aback. I apologized for being so matter of fact about it and said I should have worked up to it a bit. Hindsight is 20/20…

The upshot of it is that both she and my brother were / are 100% supportive and accepting! In reality they were relieved, “Whew! He’s just bi and not with another woman.” It hasn’t changed a thing and they both told me their love is not lessened a bit by it! They were honestly surprised and so happy that Sweetpea has been able to accept it and be supportive and encouraging about it. They were glad to hear that Miss Bee was the first one that I came out to and could not think of a better person to do it with. Both were also pleased to hear that I’d found somebody to form a relationship with and am taking things very slow, not rushing into anything. They greatly admire Sweetpea for not feeling threatened by him and are amused by the fact that he can call here and Sweetpea thinks it’s cute when he does. SP has said she doesn’t mind if my “mistress” calls me though I told her he’s more like my “mister”.   

I am very fortunate to have the friends and family that I do. I have heard so many stories of folks like me who when they finally came out with it have been faced with rejection and hostility. I count myself lucky in so many ways. Miss Bee frequently reminds me of just how wonderful a wife I have in Sweetpea. She is so right and I thank her for this. It not only refreshes my perspective but also reminds me that others admire her for her open and loving acceptance of me.

On another front, I came out to my cousin. He came out as gay to his family when he was 16-17. He was disowned by his mom, dad, and siblings. My mom had / has no problem with it nor do my brother and I. Jairus was so deeply hurt that he refuses to talk to any family member, direct or extended. It took me three years to contact him. I wrote to him of my status to let him know that I truly identify with him on his life in a way that other family members just can’t. He wrote back telling me that he has decided that he needs to focus on his life and does not have any room or time for blood family in it anymore. It was a real slap in the face. Granted, we are about 20 years apart in age and the last time I saw him he was about 7 years old, so I don’t really know him well. But hey! I let him know that me, my brother, and our mom all love him, care about him, and fully accept him. I guess I expected a positive response. He’s a young guy, in college, sort of idealistic and naïve… I’m hoping he’ll come around some day. In the meantime it still hurts my heart to know that he’s not willing to communicate with me or the family members who truly do love him.

Bi and married? How the hell is that working out for you?

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 I’ve been reading “Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World”. There are a number of stories in there that I can identify with and that validate my, as well as my wifes’, feelings on a healthy and open marriage.
I’ve received a number of concerned comments from friends on our arrangement that have questioned the wisdom of our decision. I understand these concerns. We have an uncommon situation. We’ve been married for fourteen years, most of them quite happily.
Here are some passages that resonate with me.
From Nanna A. Mansa:
“Can a bisexual woman be married to a man and still have female lovers without turning her life into a total mess? Many of my friends don’t understand our marriage and way of life, but my husband and I agree that I should have my cake and eat it too, without guilt.”

“I met my husband 4 1/2 years ago and we married last year. When we met I wasn’t aware of my bisexuality – that came later. Before I came out, I would look into the mirror and wonder whether the person in there was me or somebody else… I had a long period where I felt lost and everything seemed wrong.”

“My husband respects my bisexuality. He says he loves me for who I am, and I wouldn’t be the same person if I weren’t bisexual.”

“I love my husband deeply. He is the love of my life and my foundation.”

From Koen Brand:
“Over the years I have occasionally felt sexual attraction toward other men. I never acted on it. My wife knew about it, Because I had told her. So it was my wife who gave voice to my same-sex attractions, which I had denied even to myself until that moment. After talking with Annette I decided that I had to integrate that side of myself into our lives. I love my wife dearly for bringing up a subject that brought into her life a lot of uncertainty about the future.”

“Ignoring my bisexuality had been hard on me. Accepting this change was a challenge.”

“In the past five years we have opened our marriage. My first boyfriend was another bisexual married man, and we dated with the consent of our wives.”

“To us monogamy was not the most important issue. Staying married was far more important because we have such a good life together. We have helped each other to grow. We have a strong emotional and sexual bond that we want to preserve.”

“Our road is not a conventional one. But for us it works. From the beginning we have stated that we chose to go on together and handle this change in our relationship as something to integrate in our marriage and not as a reason to split up. I must say that I did not get negative reactions on that, although my wife still hears from others that they don’t understand her agreement to my having male friends.”

“When I look at the situations of other people I have met, it seems we have been able to make a quick and relatively smooth transition. Annette is comfortable with my bisexuality, and the past five years have brought us even closer than before.”

Seeing other husbands and wives who’ve accepted and embraced their partner’s bisexuality gives me hope. Not just for me but for others who are not there yet. I was afraid, though only a little, that my revelation would blow our family apart. I knew my wife was a very accepting person but had no idea of just how deep and caring she would be. She has shown me how secure she is in our relationship and how deeply she loves me by her willingness to share. She does not believe the commonly held assumption that my sharing my love with others will leave her in a deficit condition. She realizes that there is enough love within me to have more than enough to share with me. Her acceptance has allowed our love to multiply, has deepened our bond. It has allowed me to realize my feelings as a constructive addition to our union. She is an amazing woman and I am so very fortunate to have her as my wife. I could never have imagined this arrangement ten years ago. I don’t know where my life will lead me in the next ten years but I am confident that we will be together, in love and life.

I hope other couples can look at our example, our life together, and realize that feelings for others do not have to threaten feelings for each other.

Take it one step at a time and work with each other. It is possible.

She Knows!

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She now knows.

She knew long ago.

The self deception and hiding is over.

Life 2.0 begins.

Sweetpea has once again amazed me with the depths of her knowledge. After 18 years of faithful companionship, we are now beginning a whole new chapter. She has been ahead of me for so many years but had decided that unless I owned myself then her input could only confuse me and lead me on a path that would not have been mine. Long ago she had known where and who I was. In fact, she knew before we were married that I was capable of loving and had feelings for members of both sexes, though I’ve never acted upon such feelings. Her approach was absolutely correct and I love her more deeply now than I ever believed possible. Any sooner would have been too soon and I would not have been ready.

She has encouraged me to begin my education and exploration independently of her. She does not want to litter my path with her own biases, unintended though they would be, because it is my path alone. Her willingness to go hands-off, her strong belief that trust is key, and her permission to do what I feel I need to do to be truly happy and feel good about and comfortable with myself, is something that I never would have imagined. Nearly four decades of denial, confusion, self abuse, and inner anger over why I had to feel as I did are now over. Instead of fighting a usless inner battle to change what is not changeable, I can now stand down and admit to myself that I was not wrong, sick, or disturbed. It is amazing how societal ‘norms’ caused such inner turmoil and hate for myself.

My dear friend who helped me come to terms with myself simply listened, made no judgements and helped me to feel positive in accepting myself for who I am.

I wrote her a note the following day:

Tonight, for the first time ever, I was able to look in the mirror, meet my own eyes, and honestly say that I love myself.

What seems easy to most was something I could never do. I really had no concept of loving and being comfortable with myself. I did have long periods of happy times, but it always was in the back of my mind that I just wasn’t right, wasn’t ‘normal’. 

I fully realize that there are many who will not accept the decisions we have come to. I can only hope that they will be respectful of my right as a human being to live without their interference or imposition of their views upon me just as I am respectful of them and their beliefs.

I fully realize that there are people out there who would wish to do me physical harm because of who I am. I will do my damned level best to assure my safety by whatever means necessary, including the use of deadly force if warranted. I will not be a passive victim, I will not go down without one hell of a fight. I am determined to defend myself so that I may continue to live and breathe, so that I may continue to provide for and protect my wife, and so that I may continue to develop as a newly realized and healthy person.

Is this new outlook scary? Sure. Intimidating? Of course. Exciting? Absolutely.
 
I have a whole new understanding of open relationships. I assured Sweetpea that I have no intention of leaving her at any point. Her condition, disabled in an auto accident 13 years ago (10 months after we married), would never permit me to do so. I simply could not live with myself in abandoning her. She needs me and I need her every bit as much. Our original deep and abiding love is not threatened and only grows stronger with trust.

She’s told me that what she desperately wants is for me to find what I need to feel fulfilled. That all she ever wants is for me to feel happy with myself and to love myself. Whatever that takes. I asked if we could set some boundaries together. She felt that it would be inappropriate for her to participate in setting boundaries and that I should follow my heart. Wow… What an amazing woman I have the fortune to be with! 

I stand amazed.

I love you Sweetpea.