Tag Archives: Coming Out

Family Outings

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Hey!
I forgot to tell y’all.
I came out to my mom and brother last Thursday!
I was planning on doing it in person but my brother left a message saying he knew exactly what was up after I sent them an email letting them know I’d be down next month with some big news.
So I called and talked to mom. Turns out they’d figured out something else entirely different! Bro had figured out that I’d taken up romantically with my long time friend, Miss Bee, and formed a triad with her and Sweetpea. Mom figured that I’d taken up with her and was planning to leave Sweetpea!
Mom and bro have known her as long as I have ever since I brought her home some 25 years ago and they love her as much as I do. We were very close then and have been since we reconnected three years ago. Actually, our friendship has grown closer since I came out to her and also since she left a dysfunctional long-term relationship. She’s the sister I never had and she thinks of me as the brother she never had. We’ve never so much as kissed. We simply offer each other genuine friendship, support, and counsel.

I told mom what my big news was before she told me what they’d come up with. I mentioned it pretty casually since I thought they knew. Since it wasn’t even close, she was quite surprised and taken aback. I apologized for being so matter of fact about it and said I should have worked up to it a bit. Hindsight is 20/20…

The upshot of it is that both she and my brother were / are 100% supportive and accepting! In reality they were relieved, “Whew! He’s just bi and not with another woman.” It hasn’t changed a thing and they both told me their love is not lessened a bit by it! They were honestly surprised and so happy that Sweetpea has been able to accept it and be supportive and encouraging about it. They were glad to hear that Miss Bee was the first one that I came out to and could not think of a better person to do it with. Both were also pleased to hear that I’d found somebody to form a relationship with and am taking things very slow, not rushing into anything. They greatly admire Sweetpea for not feeling threatened by him and are amused by the fact that he can call here and Sweetpea thinks it’s cute when he does. SP has said she doesn’t mind if my “mistress” calls me though I told her he’s more like my “mister”.   

I am very fortunate to have the friends and family that I do. I have heard so many stories of folks like me who when they finally came out with it have been faced with rejection and hostility. I count myself lucky in so many ways. Miss Bee frequently reminds me of just how wonderful a wife I have in Sweetpea. She is so right and I thank her for this. It not only refreshes my perspective but also reminds me that others admire her for her open and loving acceptance of me.

On another front, I came out to my cousin. He came out as gay to his family when he was 16-17. He was disowned by his mom, dad, and siblings. My mom had / has no problem with it nor do my brother and I. Jairus was so deeply hurt that he refuses to talk to any family member, direct or extended. It took me three years to contact him. I wrote to him of my status to let him know that I truly identify with him on his life in a way that other family members just can’t. He wrote back telling me that he has decided that he needs to focus on his life and does not have any room or time for blood family in it anymore. It was a real slap in the face. Granted, we are about 20 years apart in age and the last time I saw him he was about 7 years old, so I don’t really know him well. But hey! I let him know that me, my brother, and our mom all love him, care about him, and fully accept him. I guess I expected a positive response. He’s a young guy, in college, sort of idealistic and naïve… I’m hoping he’ll come around some day. In the meantime it still hurts my heart to know that he’s not willing to communicate with me or the family members who truly do love him.

Come out when you’re ready

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Coming out about your sexual identity is a very personal decision. One that should not be driven by others or their opinions. If done “wrong” it might have negative or downright disastrous consequences. I am uncomfortable when I hear or read that one should come out as soon as they realize who they truly are. I was discussing this with my wife this afternoon. I told her that if I had come out 20 years ago that I would have been wrong. We’d have never met. 20 years ago I would have come out as gay. There’s nothing wrong with being pure gay, nothing at all. But for me it would have been wrong. I had feelings for men that I could not reconcile with my feelings for women. I thought in terms of a sealed dichotomy consisting of either/or. I did not understand or even comprehend that there was a both/and option. Although I knew the term bisexual, I didn’t understand the term, in fact, I completely misunderstood it and had a completely wrong working definition of the term. I understood it as many do today, as I understood it until only months ago. I assumed that bisexuality was a term for people who couldn’t get enough sex from one gender and had to include the gender to which they belonged in order to satisfy their insatiable sexual appetites. Pretty ignorant, I know. I thought that a bisexual must be a very confused individual addicted to a buffet of sexual pleasures without regard to gender. Quite narrow. A bisexual seemed to me to be a sexual opportunist looking to get some where ever it was available at the time. What a wrongheaded view. A person identifying as bi must surely be gay but is still holding on to loving the opposite sex because they can’t admit or cope with the fact that they’re gay. Bullshit.

It had never occurred to me that a bisexual human being could be a stable, loving person who is interested in forging deep and meaningful relationships with other stable, loving people. I was basing my definition solely on the ‘sexual’ part of the term. I failed to see that they were me. I have always been a relationship focused lover. Not that one night stands and flings are a bad thing, they were just not a part of my sexual development. I see that as both a good and a bad thing. That’s just me. Please don’t take it as me passing judgement on others for their relationship choices.

It still blows my mind that I didn’t fully realize what the term means in reality. It shames me to know that while I had admiration and acceptance of the GL_T crowd, I was pretty fucking ignorant on the B part. I remember being jealous of the gay kids in junior high and high school. I was so impressed that they were able to come out and be, for the most part and by most people, accepted. To me it seemed that they were pretty damned happy and were doing just fine in getting on with their lives.

My failure to understand the term that defines my sexuality was a huge stumbling block and a source of tremendous pain and confusion. My life would most certainly have had an entirely different trajectory had I only realized that I had the both/and choice. Going back to my initial thoughts in this post, I am glad that I didn’t jump 20 years ago. I would have made the wrong choice for myself and sealed off half of the people who I love and the one that I love above all others.

I’m very glad I waited.

Tend your own garden, please

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As I have come to accept the fact that I am able to love both women and men, I have also come to accept the fact that I am able to love myself. This is possibly the most important lesson learned during my discoveries. The old dictum is absolutely correct. One must love one’s self before one may love another. One of the ways I can tell that I love myself is the absence of the self-abuse which had been a part of my life to one degree or another for nearly four decades. Chemical, physical, psychological, sexual. Substance abuse. Risk taking. Self hate & suicidal ideation. Denial of physical sexuality.
These are gone. I have no longer have a use for them.

—

 
Something else I have realized as of late is the equivalence of caution and judgement.
A few friends have expressed concerns about my well-being and that of my relationship with my wife. I understand your concerns. You need to understand this: Repeated cautions are dangerous to OUR relationship, friends, truly they are. For when you continually voice your opinion that I should do this or shouldn’t do that, these suggestions come across as judgements. When you voice these judgements in a public way, as rejoinders to my words as expressed in a public forum, these judgements tell others that you don’t trust MY judgement. This is not acceptable.
You must bear in mind that Sweetpea and I have had many deep discussions about where I am and where I am going. When I came out to her I truly had no idea what would come next. I had an inkling that now that I knew what and who I was, that that would be enough. The psychic pressure was relieved by the simple knowledge and acceptance of that internally. I had no intention of becoming a practicing bisexual, none at all. My relationship with my wife was paramount and primary. When she not only accepted who I discovered lived inside of me but also encouraged that man to emerge, explore, and enjoy himself, it was almost more than I could believe. She has suggested non-fiction and educational literature that I may want to read to learn more about who I am and what it means. She has offered me some of her favorite gay erotica to read. Yes, HER favorite male-male gay erotic fiction that she has been reading for years unbeknownst to me (this partially explains her easy and open acceptance of my new reality). She has told me of the boundaries she is comfortable with. We have discussed the possible outcomes of my future relationships with men that I intend to become involved with. We have discussed the fact that some of these people may want more of a permanent relationship, one that does not include a wife on my part and how this is unacceptable to both of us. She is the one that equipped me with protection, though I had already done so, before going to Burning Man and encouraged me to explore my friend or others who would be there. She is the one who has told me that it is important that I no longer deny myself that which I have desired for so long. She is the one that has told me that it is important to her that I express and experience myself to the fullest extent to which I feel comfortable. She knows what she is in for and is very aware of what may happen in the future.
Believe me friends, I know the risks that lay ahead of me on this new path, in these new fields, in these new beds that lay before me. Believe me when I say this. Believe. Know that I accept your fears. But also know this: I am deeply involved in my relationship with my wife. I know us. Trust me. I have far more of a vested interest in the continued success of this relationship than you will ever know or will ever imagine. You cannot possibly appreciate the nuances of our relationship just as I do not presume to know them in yours.  I have been blessed with something far beyond acceptance. Permission. While I do need your love, I do not require your permission. That I already have. Continued insistence and continued warnings come across as a subtle but no less corrosive form of intolerance. As a form of distrust and misgiving. Even as a form of jealousy. That you may not accept these, my interpretations of your intentions, is of no matter to me. The matter to me is that you accept me for who I am. Who I am includes my choices and my freedom to make those choices unhindered by your misgivings and worries. The best thing that you can do is to keep these insecurities to yourself. I would not dare to offer you marital advice in a public manner. All I ask is the same consideration from you. I ask this in love, in friendship. If you truly feel that you must administer a warning to me, that you must share your fears of failure with me, please do so in a private communication. To do otherwise is to advertise to the world that you lack confidence in my ability to make decisions for myself without your guidance and input. It not only shows disrespect to me, it shows in a very public way that you discount the wisdom of my wife and elevate your knowledge and judgement above that of hers.
I love you,
Foxfur

Shyness…

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Though you’d never know it from this blog I am actually quite a shy person. I’ve always had trouble with initiating conversation with people and joining in group activities due to it. It has held me back in so many ways and I feel that my shyness has been responsible for my missing out on many wonderful experiences in life. Whether it is a lack of confidence, a poor self-image, or social anxiety, it can be a true hinderance to allowing yourself to participate in one time interactions that can lead to lifelong friendships. There’s nothing worse than kicking yourself for not having been more outgoing and feeling regret that you were in a crowd of lovely people but didn’t make the seemingly simple move of reaching out.

In the past three months I have been drawn out of my shell by a number of different means. I decided to go to Burning Man where there will be 55,000 opportunities to interact with others. I registered at the forums at Eplaya on the official Burning Man website: eplaya.burningman.com. The people I have met there are extremely friendly, welcoming, and inclusive. Be prepared for a bit of snark but keep in mind that it’s all in good fun and don’t take it too seriously. Meeting the wonderful folks online has led to meeting dozens of them in the flesh, both here in my home area and at the Compression Fire & Arts Festival in Reno. (See my blog entry on Compression). Below is a post from Eplaya that got me to thinking about shyness and inspired this post as a way to reach out to other shy people.

Tips for Shy People at Burning Man

by brody » Fri Aug 12, 2011 11:50 am

Hi. Are you shy? Do you have a hard time walking into a camp full of complete strangers and striking up a conversation? Does the idea of walking out of your tent in a crazy outfit strike terror into your heart? Fabulous! My people! Read on.The dumbest mistake I made my virgin year was expecting the playa to entertain me. Waiting for other people to reach out to me and draw me in, figuring all I’d need to do was show up and I’d somehow be assimilated into the vibe. I was intensely shy, and didn’t have much experience figuring out how to insert myself into an unfamiliar culture. I had all the stuff I needed to survive, except social skills.Burning Man is full of 50,000 people who are more-likely-than-in-normal-life to want to talk to you due to our participatory culture, but they’re still just people doing their own thing. If you are desperately shy and walking around hoping someone will talk to you- it might happen, it might not. But if you make an effort to talk to other people, the results will likely be good. If you don’t make an effort, you might be disappointed. And lonely. And nobody wants that.

Here are some suggestions that have worked well for me, perhaps some might work for you too. I’ve managed over seven years at Burning Man to transform myself from a desperately shy person into someone who is less-shy and can easily talk to others. Most of the time. I still have my moments of wide-eyed terror and wishing I had a book to hide behind.

Smile. Seriously. Shy people are sometimes seen as angry, aloof, haughty, unfriendly, you name it. Pretend you’re outgoing. Yeah, it’s terrifying. Do it anyway. Burning Man is a good place to practice looking friendly. Smile at everyone until your face hurts. Then take some ibuprofen and smile some more.

Have some conversational starters. Not “lines”, per se, but there’s a few things I’ve found that most everyone wants to talk about. I have great success with sidling up to strangers and asking “what’s the coolest thing you’ve seen today?” or “what’s the best piece of art that you’ve run across?” or the like. Everyone has wildly different experiences! Explore them.

Wear It Anyway! If you bring costumes to Burning Man but then feel uncomfortable going out in them, wear them anyway. You might feel terrifyingly like the center of attention when you step out of your tent in something that pushes your comfort zone, but you look pretty normal to everyone else. Nothing is normal in Black Rock City, so the weird becomes the norm. People enjoy complimenting each other on costumes (if they notice you at all). It’s a good conversation starter, too. Ask that person wearing the fabulous costume if they created it themselves.

Float More, Steer Less. Try an experiment where you let the whims of others dictate your day. Walk up to strangers and ask them for a destination suggestion or an activity. When they say something like “go climb the Man base and check it out” or “go visit XYZ camp and do (activity)”, do it. Once you’ve accomplished that task, ask someone else. Repeat. Have adventures. Or get distracted on the way. Whatever.

Go to an activity you find in the What Where When guide. You’ll meet people there because you’ll all be doing the same thing. It provides context, and context is a great way to meet people.

Meet your neighbors in the next camp over. Bring a snack or a drink or just a smile. Ask where they’re from, how their journey to Burning Man went. Let them know that you’re there to help if they need anything. They will usually offer their help too, and often a seat in their shade and a beer and an invite to sit a spell and chat.

Go to the Volunteer table near Playa Info in Center Camp, and ask if they need volunteers anywhere. Many projects and departments need volunteers. Having a Job makes it easy not to be shy.

The Nuclear Option. If all else fails and you feel desperate yet brave, make a sign (hand-held or on a t-shirt) that says “I Am Shy” and go hang out somewhere. People will come talk to you because, well, shit, we’re all shy sometimes.

HUGS!

 
Please visit the original post at the Eplaya forums here:

Tips for Shy People at Burning Man

As of this writing there are 80 responses to Brody’s original post. Most are responses in which others share their experiences with shyness and offer tips and strategies for dealing with it. I have taken much from these responses and will implement them in daily life. Consider registering at the forums so that you can leave a response and participate in the conversation. Don’t be shy about it…

Something else that has helped me in my fight against shyness is this very blog. I have always loved writing and putting my thoughts down in a journal or other permanent record. What better way to battle one’s shyness than to put your ideas, thoughts, and intensely personal experiences before the world? I have shared some extremely private thoughts on this blog in an effort to not only help myself but to hopefully help others in coming to terms with very difficult issues. The decision to share those thoughts at the very beginning of this blog has made a positive impact in my life. It has been very therapeutic for me to go out on a limb and find that I didn’t fall. In fact, others have stood beneath that limb to offer their support and assure I do not fall. If I do, they will be there to help me back to my feet and back up into the tree.

Brody has also posted a condensed and edited version of the original Eplaya post on the Burning Blog: http://blog.burningman.com/2011/08/participate/tips-for-shy-people-at-burning-man/ 

Nothing will instantly pull you out of your shyness. But by taking small steps, reaching out to others, and taking tips from the linked posts and experiences of others, we can begin to chip away at the wall. Don’t let shyness keep you from enjoying life to its fullest. Coming out takes many forms. Coming out of your shell is just one form, a form that allows you to begin a new journey that leads outside of yourself and into the larger dialog with others. That dialog may lead to many opportunities that you may not have known existed. Come on out!

Please Help Georgie Boy!

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Georgie Boy Needs You!

Georgie boy recently had a house fire that destroyed oh so many of his pretty things. He belongs in the desert and YOU can ease his process of coming out. I let him tap my ass, let him tap yours. It won’t hurt nearly as much as you think and you might even enjoy it. I know I did. Philanthropy with a reacharound. What a concept. I contributed at the Executive Producer’s Level. In doing so, Georgie has made all of my dreams come true! Just look at the lovely note he sent me:

My darling Foxfur,

You have been all too kind in lending me your support. I feel compelled to return your love and affection by naming you as my Executive Producer, you sweet thing you. There may be others but you will always be my first. There is often no reward suitable for such philanthropic endowments, yet I feel I must offer you something beyond that which I have offered to others. I will direct my minion, Mister Jellyfish, to lovingly emboss your unforgettable name next to those of the scrumptious darlings who have made it possible for me to come out. To go along with this public display of my adoration, I will shower you with all manner of lovely and divine gifties. Although I would rather surprise you, I simply cannot contain myself. Here is what I would would like to provide you with as but a small token of my gratitude:

An autographed picture of me, Georgie Boy, Fallen Queen of Broadway.

A private video of me whispering sweet nothings of your choice. Please, I can say no more than 20 words as you’ve taken my breath away.

My undershirt for you to sniff, feel, and wear. It will remind you of our special time together.

A four button remote control allowing you to interrupt me at any time you wish. Simply step up in front of my art installation and press a button to interrupt the game and I’ll turn to engage in a brief conversation with you… personally! YOU will have the power to control my desires, to make me say “Yes”, “NO”, and perhaps even “You arouse me so”. I’m not sure that my minions will be able to do this, but a boy can dream, can’t he? Regardless, The crowd around you will see that you have the key to my heart and that you are able to stop me in the middle of my performance to pause and chat with you. How’s that for special treatment?

And finally, It would give me great pleasure, even more pleasure than your hot little ass has already given me, to bestow upon you a bottle of cheap brandy and a beautiful snifter with which to sip it with. I’d be so honored if you would attend a torrid little soiree that I’ve planned in the desert. Just imagine the two of us in a passionate embrace, sipping brandy while others watch. Fabulous!

Alas, I must end this letter of love. Poochie feels the need to address his bodily concerns. As much as I regret having to end this missive, I would regret it even more were he to soil the carpet. Again. Please oh please do come to see me. I will never forget the comfort and joy that you have provided me in my time of need.

My heart belongs to you,

Georgie Boy

Now isn’t that sweet? He’s a dream and I miss him so. I just can’t wait to see him again. Only five more weeks and we’ll be together… Please visit him and consider contributing. Not only will you receive his undying affection, you will be showered with a load of his wonderful schwag. Now get behind him and do your part, lover…

Georgie’s Bio: Georgie Boy: Fallen Queen Of Broadway Homepage

Note: You will see a funding statement in the sidebar stating that the project is fully funded. This is a LIE! It DOES NOT reflect the fact that poor Georgie has suffered the catastrophic house fire that destroyed critical parts of the animatronic and material components that are essential to bringing this art project to life and to Burning Man 2011..

Donate to support Georgie Boy: Georgie Boy: Fallen Queen Of Broadway, Fundraising page at IndieGoGo

Georgie’s Facebook Page: Georgie Boy On Facebook

Mister Jellyfish’s Facebook Page: Mister Jellyfish On Facebook

Both Georgie and I thank you!

She Knows!

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She now knows.

She knew long ago.

The self deception and hiding is over.

Life 2.0 begins.

Sweetpea has once again amazed me with the depths of her knowledge. After 18 years of faithful companionship, we are now beginning a whole new chapter. She has been ahead of me for so many years but had decided that unless I owned myself then her input could only confuse me and lead me on a path that would not have been mine. Long ago she had known where and who I was. In fact, she knew before we were married that I was capable of loving and had feelings for members of both sexes, though I’ve never acted upon such feelings. Her approach was absolutely correct and I love her more deeply now than I ever believed possible. Any sooner would have been too soon and I would not have been ready.

She has encouraged me to begin my education and exploration independently of her. She does not want to litter my path with her own biases, unintended though they would be, because it is my path alone. Her willingness to go hands-off, her strong belief that trust is key, and her permission to do what I feel I need to do to be truly happy and feel good about and comfortable with myself, is something that I never would have imagined. Nearly four decades of denial, confusion, self abuse, and inner anger over why I had to feel as I did are now over. Instead of fighting a usless inner battle to change what is not changeable, I can now stand down and admit to myself that I was not wrong, sick, or disturbed. It is amazing how societal ‘norms’ caused such inner turmoil and hate for myself.

My dear friend who helped me come to terms with myself simply listened, made no judgements and helped me to feel positive in accepting myself for who I am.

I wrote her a note the following day:

Tonight, for the first time ever, I was able to look in the mirror, meet my own eyes, and honestly say that I love myself.

What seems easy to most was something I could never do. I really had no concept of loving and being comfortable with myself. I did have long periods of happy times, but it always was in the back of my mind that I just wasn’t right, wasn’t ‘normal’. 

I fully realize that there are many who will not accept the decisions we have come to. I can only hope that they will be respectful of my right as a human being to live without their interference or imposition of their views upon me just as I am respectful of them and their beliefs.

I fully realize that there are people out there who would wish to do me physical harm because of who I am. I will do my damned level best to assure my safety by whatever means necessary, including the use of deadly force if warranted. I will not be a passive victim, I will not go down without one hell of a fight. I am determined to defend myself so that I may continue to live and breathe, so that I may continue to provide for and protect my wife, and so that I may continue to develop as a newly realized and healthy person.

Is this new outlook scary? Sure. Intimidating? Of course. Exciting? Absolutely.
 
I have a whole new understanding of open relationships. I assured Sweetpea that I have no intention of leaving her at any point. Her condition, disabled in an auto accident 13 years ago (10 months after we married), would never permit me to do so. I simply could not live with myself in abandoning her. She needs me and I need her every bit as much. Our original deep and abiding love is not threatened and only grows stronger with trust.

She’s told me that what she desperately wants is for me to find what I need to feel fulfilled. That all she ever wants is for me to feel happy with myself and to love myself. Whatever that takes. I asked if we could set some boundaries together. She felt that it would be inappropriate for her to participate in setting boundaries and that I should follow my heart. Wow… What an amazing woman I have the fortune to be with! 

I stand amazed.

I love you Sweetpea.

Acknowledgements and Dedication

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              I created this blog at the suggestion and request of my oldest and dearest friend. If she requested that I take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut, my immediate response would be to ask which airline and what flavor. Her judgement is impeccable, her wisdom deep, and her compassion is truly profound. She has recently helped me come to terms with a part of myself that I have denied for nearly as long as I have been alive. My only regret in sharing that part of myself with her is that I didn’t do so earlier. Decades earlier. Her unconditional love and acceptance has allowed me a newly found pleasure: That of loving myself. For that I owe her a debt of gratitude that can never be repaid. I can only hope that this public declaration of my love, respect, and affection for her will be a small down payment on that debt. I will never be able to to keep up on payments as she will continually increase the principal with her amazing friendship and incredible humanity.

Thank you Miss Bee.

To you I dedicate this blog.