Tag Archives: Acceptance

Family Outings

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Hey!
I forgot to tell y’all.
I came out to my mom and brother last Thursday!
I was planning on doing it in person but my brother left a message saying he knew exactly what was up after I sent them an email letting them know I’d be down next month with some big news.
So I called and talked to mom. Turns out they’d figured out something else entirely different! Bro had figured out that I’d taken up romantically with my long time friend, Miss Bee, and formed a triad with her and Sweetpea. Mom figured that I’d taken up with her and was planning to leave Sweetpea!
Mom and bro have known her as long as I have ever since I brought her home some 25 years ago and they love her as much as I do. We were very close then and have been since we reconnected three years ago. Actually, our friendship has grown closer since I came out to her and also since she left a dysfunctional long-term relationship. She’s the sister I never had and she thinks of me as the brother she never had. We’ve never so much as kissed. We simply offer each other genuine friendship, support, and counsel.

I told mom what my big news was before she told me what they’d come up with. I mentioned it pretty casually since I thought they knew. Since it wasn’t even close, she was quite surprised and taken aback. I apologized for being so matter of fact about it and said I should have worked up to it a bit. Hindsight is 20/20…

The upshot of it is that both she and my brother were / are 100% supportive and accepting! In reality they were relieved, “Whew! He’s just bi and not with another woman.” It hasn’t changed a thing and they both told me their love is not lessened a bit by it! They were honestly surprised and so happy that Sweetpea has been able to accept it and be supportive and encouraging about it. They were glad to hear that Miss Bee was the first one that I came out to and could not think of a better person to do it with. Both were also pleased to hear that I’d found somebody to form a relationship with and am taking things very slow, not rushing into anything. They greatly admire Sweetpea for not feeling threatened by him and are amused by the fact that he can call here and Sweetpea thinks it’s cute when he does. SP has said she doesn’t mind if my “mistress” calls me though I told her he’s more like my “mister”.   

I am very fortunate to have the friends and family that I do. I have heard so many stories of folks like me who when they finally came out with it have been faced with rejection and hostility. I count myself lucky in so many ways. Miss Bee frequently reminds me of just how wonderful a wife I have in Sweetpea. She is so right and I thank her for this. It not only refreshes my perspective but also reminds me that others admire her for her open and loving acceptance of me.

On another front, I came out to my cousin. He came out as gay to his family when he was 16-17. He was disowned by his mom, dad, and siblings. My mom had / has no problem with it nor do my brother and I. Jairus was so deeply hurt that he refuses to talk to any family member, direct or extended. It took me three years to contact him. I wrote to him of my status to let him know that I truly identify with him on his life in a way that other family members just can’t. He wrote back telling me that he has decided that he needs to focus on his life and does not have any room or time for blood family in it anymore. It was a real slap in the face. Granted, we are about 20 years apart in age and the last time I saw him he was about 7 years old, so I don’t really know him well. But hey! I let him know that me, my brother, and our mom all love him, care about him, and fully accept him. I guess I expected a positive response. He’s a young guy, in college, sort of idealistic and naïve… I’m hoping he’ll come around some day. In the meantime it still hurts my heart to know that he’s not willing to communicate with me or the family members who truly do love him.

Bi and married? How the hell is that working out for you?

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 I’ve been reading “Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World”. There are a number of stories in there that I can identify with and that validate my, as well as my wifes’, feelings on a healthy and open marriage.
I’ve received a number of concerned comments from friends on our arrangement that have questioned the wisdom of our decision. I understand these concerns. We have an uncommon situation. We’ve been married for fourteen years, most of them quite happily.
Here are some passages that resonate with me.
From Nanna A. Mansa:
“Can a bisexual woman be married to a man and still have female lovers without turning her life into a total mess? Many of my friends don’t understand our marriage and way of life, but my husband and I agree that I should have my cake and eat it too, without guilt.”

“I met my husband 4 1/2 years ago and we married last year. When we met I wasn’t aware of my bisexuality – that came later. Before I came out, I would look into the mirror and wonder whether the person in there was me or somebody else… I had a long period where I felt lost and everything seemed wrong.”

“My husband respects my bisexuality. He says he loves me for who I am, and I wouldn’t be the same person if I weren’t bisexual.”

“I love my husband deeply. He is the love of my life and my foundation.”

From Koen Brand:
“Over the years I have occasionally felt sexual attraction toward other men. I never acted on it. My wife knew about it, Because I had told her. So it was my wife who gave voice to my same-sex attractions, which I had denied even to myself until that moment. After talking with Annette I decided that I had to integrate that side of myself into our lives. I love my wife dearly for bringing up a subject that brought into her life a lot of uncertainty about the future.”

“Ignoring my bisexuality had been hard on me. Accepting this change was a challenge.”

“In the past five years we have opened our marriage. My first boyfriend was another bisexual married man, and we dated with the consent of our wives.”

“To us monogamy was not the most important issue. Staying married was far more important because we have such a good life together. We have helped each other to grow. We have a strong emotional and sexual bond that we want to preserve.”

“Our road is not a conventional one. But for us it works. From the beginning we have stated that we chose to go on together and handle this change in our relationship as something to integrate in our marriage and not as a reason to split up. I must say that I did not get negative reactions on that, although my wife still hears from others that they don’t understand her agreement to my having male friends.”

“When I look at the situations of other people I have met, it seems we have been able to make a quick and relatively smooth transition. Annette is comfortable with my bisexuality, and the past five years have brought us even closer than before.”

Seeing other husbands and wives who’ve accepted and embraced their partner’s bisexuality gives me hope. Not just for me but for others who are not there yet. I was afraid, though only a little, that my revelation would blow our family apart. I knew my wife was a very accepting person but had no idea of just how deep and caring she would be. She has shown me how secure she is in our relationship and how deeply she loves me by her willingness to share. She does not believe the commonly held assumption that my sharing my love with others will leave her in a deficit condition. She realizes that there is enough love within me to have more than enough to share with me. Her acceptance has allowed our love to multiply, has deepened our bond. It has allowed me to realize my feelings as a constructive addition to our union. She is an amazing woman and I am so very fortunate to have her as my wife. I could never have imagined this arrangement ten years ago. I don’t know where my life will lead me in the next ten years but I am confident that we will be together, in love and life.

I hope other couples can look at our example, our life together, and realize that feelings for others do not have to threaten feelings for each other.

Take it one step at a time and work with each other. It is possible.

Come out when you’re ready

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Coming out about your sexual identity is a very personal decision. One that should not be driven by others or their opinions. If done “wrong” it might have negative or downright disastrous consequences. I am uncomfortable when I hear or read that one should come out as soon as they realize who they truly are. I was discussing this with my wife this afternoon. I told her that if I had come out 20 years ago that I would have been wrong. We’d have never met. 20 years ago I would have come out as gay. There’s nothing wrong with being pure gay, nothing at all. But for me it would have been wrong. I had feelings for men that I could not reconcile with my feelings for women. I thought in terms of a sealed dichotomy consisting of either/or. I did not understand or even comprehend that there was a both/and option. Although I knew the term bisexual, I didn’t understand the term, in fact, I completely misunderstood it and had a completely wrong working definition of the term. I understood it as many do today, as I understood it until only months ago. I assumed that bisexuality was a term for people who couldn’t get enough sex from one gender and had to include the gender to which they belonged in order to satisfy their insatiable sexual appetites. Pretty ignorant, I know. I thought that a bisexual must be a very confused individual addicted to a buffet of sexual pleasures without regard to gender. Quite narrow. A bisexual seemed to me to be a sexual opportunist looking to get some where ever it was available at the time. What a wrongheaded view. A person identifying as bi must surely be gay but is still holding on to loving the opposite sex because they can’t admit or cope with the fact that they’re gay. Bullshit.

It had never occurred to me that a bisexual human being could be a stable, loving person who is interested in forging deep and meaningful relationships with other stable, loving people. I was basing my definition solely on the ‘sexual’ part of the term. I failed to see that they were me. I have always been a relationship focused lover. Not that one night stands and flings are a bad thing, they were just not a part of my sexual development. I see that as both a good and a bad thing. That’s just me. Please don’t take it as me passing judgement on others for their relationship choices.

It still blows my mind that I didn’t fully realize what the term means in reality. It shames me to know that while I had admiration and acceptance of the GL_T crowd, I was pretty fucking ignorant on the B part. I remember being jealous of the gay kids in junior high and high school. I was so impressed that they were able to come out and be, for the most part and by most people, accepted. To me it seemed that they were pretty damned happy and were doing just fine in getting on with their lives.

My failure to understand the term that defines my sexuality was a huge stumbling block and a source of tremendous pain and confusion. My life would most certainly have had an entirely different trajectory had I only realized that I had the both/and choice. Going back to my initial thoughts in this post, I am glad that I didn’t jump 20 years ago. I would have made the wrong choice for myself and sealed off half of the people who I love and the one that I love above all others.

I’m very glad I waited.

Tend your own garden, please

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As I have come to accept the fact that I am able to love both women and men, I have also come to accept the fact that I am able to love myself. This is possibly the most important lesson learned during my discoveries. The old dictum is absolutely correct. One must love one’s self before one may love another. One of the ways I can tell that I love myself is the absence of the self-abuse which had been a part of my life to one degree or another for nearly four decades. Chemical, physical, psychological, sexual. Substance abuse. Risk taking. Self hate & suicidal ideation. Denial of physical sexuality.
These are gone. I have no longer have a use for them.

—

 
Something else I have realized as of late is the equivalence of caution and judgement.
A few friends have expressed concerns about my well-being and that of my relationship with my wife. I understand your concerns. You need to understand this: Repeated cautions are dangerous to OUR relationship, friends, truly they are. For when you continually voice your opinion that I should do this or shouldn’t do that, these suggestions come across as judgements. When you voice these judgements in a public way, as rejoinders to my words as expressed in a public forum, these judgements tell others that you don’t trust MY judgement. This is not acceptable.
You must bear in mind that Sweetpea and I have had many deep discussions about where I am and where I am going. When I came out to her I truly had no idea what would come next. I had an inkling that now that I knew what and who I was, that that would be enough. The psychic pressure was relieved by the simple knowledge and acceptance of that internally. I had no intention of becoming a practicing bisexual, none at all. My relationship with my wife was paramount and primary. When she not only accepted who I discovered lived inside of me but also encouraged that man to emerge, explore, and enjoy himself, it was almost more than I could believe. She has suggested non-fiction and educational literature that I may want to read to learn more about who I am and what it means. She has offered me some of her favorite gay erotica to read. Yes, HER favorite male-male gay erotic fiction that she has been reading for years unbeknownst to me (this partially explains her easy and open acceptance of my new reality). She has told me of the boundaries she is comfortable with. We have discussed the possible outcomes of my future relationships with men that I intend to become involved with. We have discussed the fact that some of these people may want more of a permanent relationship, one that does not include a wife on my part and how this is unacceptable to both of us. She is the one that equipped me with protection, though I had already done so, before going to Burning Man and encouraged me to explore my friend or others who would be there. She is the one who has told me that it is important that I no longer deny myself that which I have desired for so long. She is the one that has told me that it is important to her that I express and experience myself to the fullest extent to which I feel comfortable. She knows what she is in for and is very aware of what may happen in the future.
Believe me friends, I know the risks that lay ahead of me on this new path, in these new fields, in these new beds that lay before me. Believe me when I say this. Believe. Know that I accept your fears. But also know this: I am deeply involved in my relationship with my wife. I know us. Trust me. I have far more of a vested interest in the continued success of this relationship than you will ever know or will ever imagine. You cannot possibly appreciate the nuances of our relationship just as I do not presume to know them in yours.  I have been blessed with something far beyond acceptance. Permission. While I do need your love, I do not require your permission. That I already have. Continued insistence and continued warnings come across as a subtle but no less corrosive form of intolerance. As a form of distrust and misgiving. Even as a form of jealousy. That you may not accept these, my interpretations of your intentions, is of no matter to me. The matter to me is that you accept me for who I am. Who I am includes my choices and my freedom to make those choices unhindered by your misgivings and worries. The best thing that you can do is to keep these insecurities to yourself. I would not dare to offer you marital advice in a public manner. All I ask is the same consideration from you. I ask this in love, in friendship. If you truly feel that you must administer a warning to me, that you must share your fears of failure with me, please do so in a private communication. To do otherwise is to advertise to the world that you lack confidence in my ability to make decisions for myself without your guidance and input. It not only shows disrespect to me, it shows in a very public way that you discount the wisdom of my wife and elevate your knowledge and judgement above that of hers.
I love you,
Foxfur

She Knows!

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She now knows.

She knew long ago.

The self deception and hiding is over.

Life 2.0 begins.

Sweetpea has once again amazed me with the depths of her knowledge. After 18 years of faithful companionship, we are now beginning a whole new chapter. She has been ahead of me for so many years but had decided that unless I owned myself then her input could only confuse me and lead me on a path that would not have been mine. Long ago she had known where and who I was. In fact, she knew before we were married that I was capable of loving and had feelings for members of both sexes, though I’ve never acted upon such feelings. Her approach was absolutely correct and I love her more deeply now than I ever believed possible. Any sooner would have been too soon and I would not have been ready.

She has encouraged me to begin my education and exploration independently of her. She does not want to litter my path with her own biases, unintended though they would be, because it is my path alone. Her willingness to go hands-off, her strong belief that trust is key, and her permission to do what I feel I need to do to be truly happy and feel good about and comfortable with myself, is something that I never would have imagined. Nearly four decades of denial, confusion, self abuse, and inner anger over why I had to feel as I did are now over. Instead of fighting a usless inner battle to change what is not changeable, I can now stand down and admit to myself that I was not wrong, sick, or disturbed. It is amazing how societal ‘norms’ caused such inner turmoil and hate for myself.

My dear friend who helped me come to terms with myself simply listened, made no judgements and helped me to feel positive in accepting myself for who I am.

I wrote her a note the following day:

Tonight, for the first time ever, I was able to look in the mirror, meet my own eyes, and honestly say that I love myself.

What seems easy to most was something I could never do. I really had no concept of loving and being comfortable with myself. I did have long periods of happy times, but it always was in the back of my mind that I just wasn’t right, wasn’t ‘normal’. 

I fully realize that there are many who will not accept the decisions we have come to. I can only hope that they will be respectful of my right as a human being to live without their interference or imposition of their views upon me just as I am respectful of them and their beliefs.

I fully realize that there are people out there who would wish to do me physical harm because of who I am. I will do my damned level best to assure my safety by whatever means necessary, including the use of deadly force if warranted. I will not be a passive victim, I will not go down without one hell of a fight. I am determined to defend myself so that I may continue to live and breathe, so that I may continue to provide for and protect my wife, and so that I may continue to develop as a newly realized and healthy person.

Is this new outlook scary? Sure. Intimidating? Of course. Exciting? Absolutely.
 
I have a whole new understanding of open relationships. I assured Sweetpea that I have no intention of leaving her at any point. Her condition, disabled in an auto accident 13 years ago (10 months after we married), would never permit me to do so. I simply could not live with myself in abandoning her. She needs me and I need her every bit as much. Our original deep and abiding love is not threatened and only grows stronger with trust.

She’s told me that what she desperately wants is for me to find what I need to feel fulfilled. That all she ever wants is for me to feel happy with myself and to love myself. Whatever that takes. I asked if we could set some boundaries together. She felt that it would be inappropriate for her to participate in setting boundaries and that I should follow my heart. Wow… What an amazing woman I have the fortune to be with! 

I stand amazed.

I love you Sweetpea.